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BANG RADIO! Episode 103 is all about how much sex can make you or break you. Ep 103 was inspired by a call we had last week, where we workshopped how powerful and confusing sex can be.
On the call a long term alumni, “Ray” brought something up –
“I don’t get it, I am depressed, I keep thinking about my dad and how he wasn’t around when I was growing up. All this while I am having the best sex of my life. I have no more sexual issues, my insecurities and performance anxiety is no longer there.”
“I am in love, but I am in pain”
Ray is 23 and joined TSL when he was still in college. He had a pretty high skill set with women and had been studying PUA material since he was in high school. He originally came wanting to know more about sex and feel comfortable with who he is sexually.
However the way TSL works is very different. There is a huge demand of self-exploration and working long term to develop and cultivate a healthy social and sexual life. We are a massive international men’s group that meets over the phone/skype multiple times a week. We have about 15-20 hours of calls a week where men can plug into and not only learn a social skill set, but they can get the support and guidance necessary to grow into a sexually and socially healthy life.
We have these calls because of exactly what Ray is talking about. In fact if you take a listen/look at BR0102 we can see where James is coming from. James is a client that isn’t yet living a sexual life. He is just starting out. In episode 102 we talk about the hate and frustration that gets built up from not having sex, and being rejected. In this episode we are talking about Ray who wasn’t always sexual, but after 18 months of TSL he’s managed to finish off his college years with a rampant sex life and now, post college he is finding out how sex can change you.
When we start having sex, we may not feel it as first, but when we start to communicate and connect with our emotions, bodies and entire human expression with someone else we unleash massive amounts of repression we have had in our lives. Right now, Ray is having the ‘Best Sex of His Life’ and there is no mistake in what he’s feeling. I know this because it has happened to me.
[custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h3″ accent=”true”] HOW SEX CHANGED MY LIFE [/custom_headline]
Let me share with you my story of sex and relationships. Right now I am 37 years old. I have been in the Seduction industry since 2005. At that time I was 27 and have no idea how much I would unearth with discovering how to be a man through sex. In fact, it is not something that is done and finished with, sex, socializing and expression have to be exercised daily. To be a healthy expression of you, you need to work on you everyday.
When I started my sex life I was 18.
I thought I had an idea of what sex was, relationships were and who I was as a person, but once I started connecting with others, having sex, living life and being a full part of the human expression I had no idea how lost I was.
In fact let’s revisit what James was talking about in the previous episode (BR0102). He was saying he was resentful about women having not liked him. How we wanted to be a good man, but over time there is this ideal you have of wanting women and having a good life, then this other side of you being conflicted, angry and confused why you are still starving and other people are eating. For me this was similar. I didn’t have a good relationship with my mom. I had the adolescent angst of not feeling included that carried over into adulthood and all sorts of other baggage that I was carrying with me without knowing it.
When I lost my virginity at 18 and started my sexual journey I witnessed my girlfriend get kidnapped. She was sexually assaulted and we went to counseling together to try and sort through the confusion. Eventually we broke up and I didn’t have a relationship of any kind with a woman until I was 21. This built up more confusion and repression that when I started having sex again it set off a blast of emotions within me. I became more erratic more moody and more confused about who I was, and what I wanted. Part of this is being young, but part of it is also coming into contact with women, sex, emotions, responsibility and so on for the first time, and every man and woman will have to go through this at some point.
[custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h3″ accent=”true”] LOVE [/custom_headline]
It wasn’t until I was 26 that I would meet someone that would that would give me the sexual connection that would begin me on my journey of life, healing and chaos. I had thought I had felt love before this, but it made me realize I was just feeling something. Because love would floor me.
She was also 26 and I’ll keep her nameless for now, but she was a peaceful free spirited woman that had a sex drive like mine and the ability to unlock my fears inhibitions and allow myself to be a full sexual expression. We had an affair for a long time. About 2 years. We traveled together, had sex everywhere and did everything we could ever imagine sexually. I had never felt love like I had felt with her. I had never felt a woman care for me as I had with her. It was too much for me. For me, like I said I was carrying around some baggage and through sex all of that was coming up. My self-worth, my fears, my anger, my resentment and hate that I didn’t even know I had went into a mind and body that was totally unprepared for it.
I remember physically I never knew I held such pain and tension in my body, until I was with her. It was like, the moment we got sexual my chest released a mountain of tension, my mind was open and stopped hating. I had no idea. It was then when I was 26 I had experienced the true ecstasy of connection. And let me tell you people, we all want this, but I sure as hell wasn’t prepared for it.
It reminds me of the story of Jacob’s ladder. Jacob goes up the stairway to heave and the angle Gabriel fights him trying to keep him from it. Jocob wins, sees heaven, then goes back down the ladder to only see that the rest of earth is now hell. When you see the beauty in you, when you see the beauty in someone else, when you come back to reality the pain you have ignored or avoided, become impossible to run from. This is why sex is so powerful, and so great. Just think of how grey life would be if we didn’t have something within us as a standard of beauty. For a guy like me there was a lot of pain I needed to come back up. When it unearthed from me, it was hell, but once it was out, it was easy to maintain. It was easy to keep it out and live as my true expression.
I still talk to that girl and she tells me, ‘Every night I was with you, you had to get drunk, have sex and then cry afterwards. It is crazy to think of how much would come out of you when we would have sex.’ I kind of like that description because it was so true and raw.
[custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h3″ accent=”true”] PUA & SEX[/custom_headline]
A year or so later I found pick up.
I wasn’t necessarily bad with women, but I rarely met women and girls always had to make the first move with me. When I really got involved with pick up, I got it. It made me realize I could go up and talk to women. It made me realize I could touch women. It made me realize how much people were having sex. It made me realize how much had this idea of relationships, marriage and so on that we all agreed upon but nobody followed. One of the biggest realizations I had once I started getting laid a lot was that married women were easier than single women to sleep with. People get really upset about this, but what can I say, it’s the flat out truth.
For me, 2006-2008 meant me having a lot of sex with a lot of people and confusing myself more. It wasn’t the sex that was bad, it was my inability to make sense of what I was feeling. I was becoming a reaction to what I thought felt good but was just relief from the pain I found myself in. I was having a ton of sex, a ton of partners, a ton of emotional connections but I had convinced myself that I never really enjoyed sex. Another great realization from this time was that I had built up a great skill of pleasing women in bed. I fed off the emotional connection we had. I wanted to see a side of them that I loved to feel myself. In fact that is what sex is supposed to do. I got good at that, but the hottest women I had sex with, the ‘tens’ that everyone is chasing were the most sexually insecure. They were the least likely to open up, and still to this day I will say, I have had the worst sex of my life with the hottest women. As for the opening up part, like I said, sex should open you up on all levels, but what was killing me was I never let it affect and change the rest of my life. Sex was an experience I kept separate from my core. And that is a hell you don’t want to live.
[custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h3″ accent=”true”] LOVE & REALTIONSHIPS[/custom_headline]
This is when I met another great women who would once again change everything for me. She was someone I spent a 10 day affair with and fell in love. I felt with her like I had never felt before again. We actually stayed in a relationship for years. I had every type of relationship with her I could imagine with this new found knowledge. When I was 26, my imagination didn’t include the somethings as when I was 30 and up. Let me tell you, I won’t say I have done everything, but I have done everything I have ever wanted as much as I wanted.
It was then that I realized how much women, love, sex and experience could change you. It was what opened the doors to the window of self. It was and is a beautiful thing. One of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. More beautiful than heroin, and if you’ve done heroin, you know that is a hard comparison to live up to. Eventually that woman and I parted ways. It was because of her that I knew sex as I know it now. Open, limitless, it had no rules and was dependent on only expression. I also learned a lot about relationships way back then as well.
Later on as the story goes, I met Maria. She is the greatest woman I have ever met because the is no love that I have felt that compares to her’s. Sexually she is more aggressive than me, and also equally experienced. We are monogamous mainly because we have both lived it the other way and don’t want to do that now. There is a lot of responsibility to hold together a relationship bond while you’re having sex with other people as well. I will still say it is a great thing to do. You’ll never really know the potential of humanity, sex and self until you’ve had multiple relationships at the same time. I don’t mean sleeping with one woman and not telling her about the other. I mean having relationships with everyone…open, expressing and fucking. It’s a trip.
What is crazy about my life with Maria is I have felt love with many people. I have had relationships with many women, but when she does something for me, interacts with me, accepts me, it is on a level that is so pure. It is hard to handle. There will be times where she adores of comforts me to a point I have never felt before. It makes me feel erratic. I want to run, fight, hate. I feel something new and I don’t know how to feel it. I’m always like, ‘that’s funny, there’s still some self-hate or doubt in there’.
Whenever I talk about this stuff people ask me things like,
“Why would you want to go through all that trouble just to be sexual?”
The thing is you don’t need to be like me. I have a lot of resistance and a lot of pain to sort through. But you really don’t have any other choice. Live in repression, or live free. No matter how or why you’re repressed doesn’t matter. Living free, sexually and healthy is your birthright and it is nobody else’s responsibility but your own.
This is the journey Ray is on. This is why being a part of our programs and community of TSL is so enriching. I didn’t have a group of men that had all gone though this. I thought I was unique and different. That feeling of ‘being unique’ was false. We all go through the same process, I just held on to it a bit too long.
If you like what you read,
Check out TSL
The Sexual Life offers these cool things –
1 – Subscribe to BANG RADIO! – IT’S FREE!
iTunes or Stitcher and of course YouTube
2 – Take a look at theBetter Man’s Guide to Dating & Lifestyle – It’s a 9 part audio series we have to do exactly what we are talking about here.
3 – When the time is right join us on TSL Online – the version James is on is the Virtual Course. TSL Online is a full blown 90 day intensive that is offered in FULL SERVICE or VIRTUAL formats.
Finally,
As in every BANG RADIO! Episode we give something away. Today it is the Guide to Good Sex.
This is a 3 part PDF series that breaks down, the Sexual Mindsets, Techniques and ‘Stuff people don’t want to talk about’ so you can have a GREAT SEX LIFE!
Click the fancy button and get the first PDF emailed directly to you! A few days later you will get the next one.
Questions
Shoot em my way – Steve@theSexualLife.com
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Be Social
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Steve Mayeda
