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[custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true”] When we don’t see sex as a reality we see it as a fantasy.[/custom_headline]
[custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true”] If we are living in fantasy we will never be fulfilled. [/custom_headline]
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Sadly this is how men and women have their sex lives now. We have a fantasy of what sex is supposed to be and forgot how to express it with ourselves. We are afraid to experience for ourselves and what we believe in so instead we experience based on what we are supposed to be.
Think about it. Think about your friends, your sexual experiences. What gives you fulfillment? What is behind your urges? What are you missing? What tells you or your friends ‘this is a good sex life?’ Are there things you can’t express? Is there an urge ‘unexplored’? An urge that is never explored will turn into a distortion. A man that looks at a woman’s body or a woman that looks at a man’s body can no longer be a sexual being. They can never be themselves, and so we settle. We have sex, but leave out part of us. We have sex, but only within the barriers of fears and assumptions. Our acts carry shame, and our memories, expressions and experiences always have a little piece of guilt following us (sometimes a lot of guilt).
Every single client I ever had has always wanted something simple – to be fulfilled with their social and sexual life. The ‘wants’ that drove them to me might be, might be a fantasy or desire, but what works in the end is simple, fulfillment. I learned a long time ago it is not about the want. The want drives us, it gets us there, but the want isn’t the connection or experience that truly gives sex all its value and fulfillment. When we don’t experience connection our social and sexual wants get polluted. We repress them and we can’t see straight. We are starved and look through the eyes of desperation. For each and every one of us we express desperation in a different way.
One thing is for certain, in order to be a sexual man or woman we can’t just be who we are, we have to be something different.
I work with men and sexuality everyday. Everyday I hear a story of a man’s shame, a man’s desperation and a man searching in his self-worth or validation through some exaggerated sexual definition of what he thinks will make him happy, complete or if he hates himself, prove he is worthless.
Sadly most of these men aren’t my clients, but men who send me emails, confide in me looking for a quick answer to ease their confusion and pain.
Where does this desperation come from? How did we end up so emotionally, mentally and physically starved for our birthright of sexual connection?
[custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h3″ accent=”true”] DESPERATION[/custom_headline]
Desperation comes from living without your needs being met. For a many of reasons I will never be able to map out why our society and culture does not fulfill us with what were were born to be. It does not give us meaning for finding purpose, finding meaning, finding ambition and being socially and sexually fulfilled. These were things that we never had to work for in the majority of human existence, they just happened. Our evolution and the survival of our species was based on us connecting and having sex. What is so unique about human beings is that one of our greatest tools for getting sexual is socializing. In the past 10,000 years or so we have made it easy to be alive. We have grown in population and now we are at a point where we are social all the time but not connecting. We are not emotionally or mentally fulfilled by social media, superficial conversations with the person behind the counter, we are empty. We are not sexually fulfilled in all the ways sex can affect us, physically, emotionally, mentally and personally. We have relationships based on checklists and ‘express’ our ‘masculinity’ and ‘femininity’ on a set of rules and not as our personal who we are. We express sexual urges based on what they’re ‘supposed to be’, and not what we feel.
And when we live like that. We live in repression. We live with a dishonesty amongst ourselves. When we are repressed for what is natural and necessary for us to live we become desperate. When we are desperate we fight. When we fight we fight within ourselves and around us. We hate, we blame, we self-destruct. We become addicts. We become members of a cause. We are members of a massive society and culture and a part of everything, yet we still feel alone.
We blame porn. We blame feminism. We blame misogyny. We blame everyone for us living a life that is superficial and starved for connection.
We can’t trust what we feel, we can’t trust what other’s feel.
This brings us back to hookers and blow.
Hookers and blow, fetishes and novelties are a fantasy. They’re society’s example of an extreme. The reality of them is far different from the fantasy of them.
They are not only a part of the fantasy but they represent our rebellion to not feeling fulfilled.
When our sex lives are suppressed we think a fantasy is going to make us happy. However I do have experience with hookers and blow and many other exaggerations of expressions. Ultimately they became a great source of freedom. Sex and drugs showed me a new desperation and forced me to look at why I saw no beauty in myself. It took a long time to learn to find self-worth peace and happiness. It took a long time to get sexually and socially healthy. Much like a diet I needed to make it a ways of life. I had to learn to connect everyday with people around me. I needed to learn to connect with myself in healthy ways everyday.
A healthy social and sexual life doesn’t have to be extreme. Please, by all means, you don’t need to live a life of chaos and confusion to find the value sanity and good sex. However you do need to allow yourself to experience. You absolutely need to allow yourself to get to know what you feel and why you feel it.
If you’re a man and you can’t stop looking at a woman’s breasts, legs and body there is a piece of pure sexual truth in there that is totally you. Perhaps that urge is something taboo, a rape fantasy, or you want to be pegged. Within that there is something to honor and explore. But that has no meaning, and no worth if we can’t learn to express and connect to that. I can also guarantee that it will have no meaning and worth is we only connect to that. If I think fulfilling a threesome or gangbang is going to make me happy, fulfilled or be a man, I am in delusion. However, those sex acts might bring me to a point where I can be me, open and free and the other parties involved open and free to connect purely. This is where the value of sex comes into play. The ‘act’ is simply a tool for us to connect uniquely with one another.
One thing sex taught me was that my most intense and graphic sexual urge was not what ended up as the answer, but it was part of the answer. I had to never deny it, but look at what it was, why I was feeling it and where it was coming from. To have any sex feel good it had to be that person, being their expression, feeling me and me feeling them.
If you’re a woman, allow yourself to feel what you feel. Maybe there is a part of you that want’s to fuck, be degraded, dominate and so on. That want, that urge, that feeling you have needs to be felt and accepted by you. You may not even need to do it, but you need to start with being honest with yourself and what your body, mind and emotions are telling you. Especially when it comes to sex.
What makes the better man, and better woman is simple but not easy. Be honest with what you feel. Learn to hold on to the tension of what you feel, and be able to connect that to the person in front of you. And it is only through that experience that you can ever have the hope to enjoy yourself. Let yourself make a mistake. Take a chance, get confused, taste what you like to taste. You’re going to have to get to know yourself a little in how it relates to the world. Expression does nothing with knowledge unless you experience. And believe me, you won’t get it right away.
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Steve Mayeda
