When my Woman has been Abused
TSL PODCAST 146
This is a question we got from a TSL Online member in Jan 2017, and once we started talking about it 3 other men started bringing up similar situations they were in.
One of the benefits that the TSL Community has is the unbelievable wealth of experience on it. In fact on this call in particular there were a few guys who were over 40, one over 50 who have been married and had a lot of experience with women. Here’s a good recap of some of the things we talked about –
Before getting into this I’d like to take a moment and state that if your partner has been abused or experienced trauma a mental health professional should be sought or a support group attended on a regular basis. Our community is a support group for Men, she would need one for women who have experienced similar experiences.
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Austin Men’s Development – Free
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YOU’RE A BOYFRIEND NOT A THERAPIST
Your role as a boyfriend if your girlfriend has been abused is to be a boyfriend, not to be her therapist.
One of the worst things you can do is take on the role of therapist. Now this does not mean that you don’t need to be compassionate or caring. There is just a better way to show it than trying to take on the role of emotionally solving or stabilizing whatever the trauma have been. The main reason why you shouldn’t be someone’s therapist is because if they need to seek professional help you’re getting in the way of it.
This is a problem because when someone has experienced abuse or trauma or some sort of extreme pain it is too easy to get caught up in the pain and not the solution.
By all means be caring, be there for them, but be the man that you were before the trauma happened or you found out about it.
WHY IS THIS BEING TOLD
When you have experienced trauma or pain you want to express it. There is nothing wrong with this, but is can be very confusing. This can easily turn into a feedback loop of codependency and dysfunction.
When you’re in pain, love and attention feels good. More often than not when people go through a bad experience and tell someone one they care about it they get love and attention in ways they may have never felt before. The expression of their pain, the solution to their pain never gets addressed. Instead it becomes the pursuit of getting that love or attention.
All sorts of things can come out of this, that we will get into a little bit further down.
WHY YOU’RE FEELING WHAT YOU’RE FEELING
It takes 2 to tango. If you do not read your reaction to what you feel and look into why you’re working in the blind, especially in emotional decisions. It is very common to feel that you want to save her, protect her, avenge her and how you are are going to be the best thing for her. This isn’t a bad feeling, but this feeling can definitely get you to react in all sorts of ways that aren’t good.
One thing that is common from this is that one will obsess or even take action on revenge. I have seen this go wrong in so many ways. In fact someone I know died while avenging the rape of one of his friends. He went to kill the alleged rapist and the alleged rapist killed him. Sadly he asked me about it before he went to get his revenge seeing that I had a similar experience, I discouraged him. Few days later he was stabbed to death in self-defense.
However that being said, the real issue is you’re getting too involved in someone else’s problem that you can offer little to no solution. I can understand revenge. The feeling of it and the action. It is a normal human emotion and phenomenon to some degree, however it is also something that gets misinterpreted and entertained way too much by people who are detached from the immediate situation.
IF YOU GET THIS WRONG
Any high emotional situation can easily create massive dysfunction if handled wrong and if they’re misinterpreted.
There’s a ton of ways this can go wrong, but the most common one is codependency. In general codependency is needing to solve someone else’s problems and as a result the relationship intensifies. Sadly the dysfunction brings people together more than anything else. Like all human behavior and relationship dynamics it is complex.
What can happen very quick, is rather than expression of the issue it turns into a tool of manipulation or abuse. For instance if you try and be a therapist you can easily get too involved and without the intention behind it your girlfriend or partner may start leveraging your attention and caring through the issue or pain she is feeling. This sort of thing happens over and over again in so many ways. It can get drawn out for years and years and the epicenter of it starts to affect everyone in your life.
Fundamentally the biggest problem is you won’t solve the problem, you will create bigger and more complex problems.
WHAT IS THE BEST THING TO DO
So what is the best thing to do? If your girlfriend has been abused you should be there for her. She will need extra attention. She will need your love and caring. She will need you to be her rock.
How you do all these things is the most important and challenging part of the whole equation. How do you give attention, be loving and act as a solid guide without getting too involved in the situation
Have your eyes on stability
Don’t buy into pain, recognize it, relax it and move on.
Build your own relationship with who the 2 of you are, and not who the 2 of you should be.
This is easier said than done so I always recommend being a part of a Men’s Group with experienced men who have walked through the fires that you’re going through now. The nuances of confusion that can come up in situations like abuse cannot follow a black and white protocol.
Also dealing with the urge to defend or avenge her can be pretty intense. However, any action of choice that comes out of confusion, hurt or anger can easily go wrong.
Focus on being the man that can be there for her, take her pain and build and maintain a foundation of stability in unstable times.
WHO WERE YOU BEFORE YOU KNEW THIS
Probably the best way to determine how you should be is the couple you were before the trauma. There is no doubt this will change you guys, you both are supposed to be affected. You should not negate that. However if you’re looking for the next best thing to do then do what you did before this all happened.
I know first hand how confusing this sort of thing can be. When my girlfriend was kidnapped I didn’t know what to do many times. She was traumatized, I was traumatized and we relied on the direction of others. Now years have passed and the most important thing I got from that was that we didn’t make things more dramatic than they needed to be.
When I go through highly emotional times now, whether that is abuse, or a big time bomb falling my life I do this –
- Ask for help
- Do the next best thing
- Take the direction I asked for.
Many times when asking for help, I probably could have gotten better advice, but the advice is not the most important thing here, taking direction is. This is because if I question thing I build too many variables built on fear, hurt, shame and other negative beliefs. Also any friend you have, always have the best intentions for you. When you don’t know want to do ask for help. Do the next best thing and follow direction.
Who you were before all of this is the light house in your relationship.
IF THERE WAS A PROBLEM IN A RELATIONSHIP, I SAW IT EARLY ON & IGNORED IT
This was something that was talked about on the call by Jim. He’s an experienced guy when it comes to women and relationships. It was closely seconded by Gary who is also a guy that has a ton of experience with women and relationships.
In the many situations where abuse is used for over attention, or manipulation it was something that came up early on in subtle ways. To fully address this, there are 2 main points.
- Abuse or Trauma can get distorted by all parties involved to manipulate or get attention. This isn’t because women are evil, it is because women and men don’t know what to do. It becomes a distorted way of life.
- Any Problem in a Relationship is prevalent right away. If you’re dating someone that has a psychological problem or some ‘other issue’ you will see it right away, but most likely ignore it. This is where men need to take responsibility for their lives. Sure there are plenty of crazy people out there, but if you get screwed by them you choose them and they choose you. However they screwed you, you saw early on and ignored it or got it wrong.
The biggest traps I see coming from abuse are codependency and having the trauma redefine their relationship. This can be seen early on and needs to be stopped. Of course seeing a mental health professional or joining a support group is key to part of this solution.
ALL RELATIONSHIPS HAVE A SHELF LIFE
This was brought up by Gary during the call. What Gary was saying was, in time all relationships go through some consistent changes. The honeymoon phase only lasts so long. In that time, you’re going to experience moments when you don’t want to be with one another, you get irritable and feel disconnected. The relationship either needs to grow or go. There is nothing wrong with this. See this process as normal.
In codependent relationships this is rekindled by drama and chaos that brings people together more. This is one of the most effective tools for maintaining a dysfunctional relationship.
WHAT A RELATIONSHIP MEANS TO YOU
What does it make me? What is it supposed to be?
You should be asking yourself these questions. Like above, a relationship will change, build tension and give you points of confusion. You will lose your attraction that once kept you together, or in what started this all off you will experience a point of trauma or abuse. These things will challenge your relationship and you will need to know why you’re in it.
So many of us react to decisions that are really reactions to fear and discomfort. We leave our relationships or stay in them too long for all the wrong reasons.
This is also where a good men’s group will give you the wisdom needed to make the right decision. One thing that comes up a lot in our groups is this –
Don’t make a decision or take an action when you’re confused or too emotional. Whether or not it is the right decision or action it usually ends up wrong. Take the time to get clarity on what you want. Give your choices and actions the time to be expressions and not reactions.
If we have explored what our relationships mean to us, or what they’re supposed to be then we will be able to see the direction we are headed in.
NEVER BE ALONE
I can not emphasize this enough. Join a men’s group. There is no need in making a tough decision without the support of a few good guys behind you. There are tons of free men’s groups that meet regularly. They have all different purposes and reasons to meet, but I can guarantee you the topics of relationships will be brought up in them. If there is maturity in those groups you will get good guidance.
If you’re looking for an online men’s group, this is what we do
We have the free group – Austin Men’s Development
This is a great group, but it is also a free group and with that comes it’s own issues
We also have the Men’s Development Membership
This is a paid group, where we focus on Personal Excellence. We maintain our connection through calls and online activities. For men in relationships this is one of the best groups to be a part of.
We also have upper tier groups that are focused on specific coaching issues, however I would always recommend to start with the Men’s Development Options.
Of course email me with any questions, I’d be happy to answer them!
Steve@theSexualLife.com
Thanks
Steve
