by Steve Mayeda
Topic Dating & Relationships
Austin, Texas

When men walk into improving their sex life they often make it about concepts of masculinity rather than the actual reality of what might happen. These are things like, being alpha, being a leader, upping one’s perceived value and so on. However, when reality hits you in the face all of these things go out the window. They may have helped you meet some women, build a sense of confidence, but once something you didn’t expect comes your way they mean nothing.

A few days ago we were hosting a call with one of our TSL Men’s Groups and the discussion came up of Monogamy, Pregnancy and doing the right thing. This is obviously a massive topic, and one that the Men’s Development community rarely talks about. We gave it a few minutes and recorded this video based on the discussion we had about it on the call, and it inspired the article as well, enjoy!

Live Recording from Jan 23, 2015 10am CST
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You’re Going to Fall in Love

If you’re a sexually active man you need to realize that it isn’t just about ‘looking good’, being powerful and finally being cool, you’re going to be feeling some intense things. When you really get to know women, sex at some point you’re going to fall in love. You’re going to go through break ups, you’re going to get jealous and you’re going to have women drive you crazy as well as have women fulfill you in ways you never thought possible.
The idea that you can hold a frame or be more dominant to control all of this is not going to keep you from the force of nature that happens when men and women connect sexually. You will need to be prepared for this.

First you need to realize Monogamy, Polyamory, being a ‘Player’ are all man-made concepts. Your body, your emotions and your sex drive doesn’t care about any of those. It is going to feel what it is going to feel. If you have disciplined yourself in these concepts and you have no experience behind them you’re going to find yourself quickly abandoning them to the overwhelming feeling of love, sex and desire. There is nothing weak about this. There is nothing wrong with this, in fact there is so much right about this. For as long as man has been trying to fit love, sex and relationships in a box he’s also been falling in love and having babies. Why? Because that is what we were born to do.

Let yourself feel. Stop trying to define yourself by a concept of masculinity that is made up to serve insecure men. You need to be smarter about yourself and start having some pride in the potential of your sexuality. That being said, realize you’re going to feel these things intensely when you’re sexually connecting with them –

• Connection you have never felt before
• Self-awareness, empowerment and euphoria
• The desire to do everything with that person
• The feeling of wanting to be with that person forever
• The feeling of wanting to start a family with that person

All of these things are great enjoy them. 
However, there’s no need to act on them fully. There is no need to not be careful. There is no need to make a commitment to something for the rest of your life in just a few months. Love is great, I wish there was more of it in the world. But we are so deprived of love, connect and good sex that we jump to a conclusion with it too fast.

Examples –
On the light side
You’re with a woman that has made you feel like nothing else before. You love every minute of the experience with her discovering new parts of yourself and relationships. It would make sense to drop all of your friends, cut things out of your life and be with her all the time.
This is something almost every young man has done, and after a few months or a year we realize how stupid it was. Rather than having been aware of this, we then resent relationships and women. If only we had been aware of this phenomenon and allowed it, surrounded ourselves with some good friends that also allowed it, we could learn the great life lessons within it.

A PUA Example 
You finally start getting good with women. You have never really had a life of promiscuity but the last 3 months you have been having sexual experience after sexual experience. You know about the PUA industry and you start thinking, “I could be a professional PUA, I could coach men and I am on top of the world”. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen this in that last 10 years. The sad part is, this has more to do with ‘finally feeling defined as a man’ that actually being yourself. Within a few months and sometimes a year or 2 it stops working. You keep searching for that thing outside of yourself when the whole time you should have been working on the things inside of yourself. The really stubborn guys don’t change until their whole life really falls apart. 
Sounds kinda strange and even dramatic, but in the PUA industry this is super common.

The Real Doozy
You meet a woman, you have great sex, great connection and great everything. Everything is great. 6 months of dating and good sex, and right when the sex starts to get boring she is pregnant. You have a new sense of self, a new drive of man. You weren’t planning this but you’ll make it work.
I have done this and it didn’t end up good. I am going to tell you right now, your body, mind and emotions are made to connect sexually to procreate before anything else. I have no problem with procreating in a biological human sense, but I have a big problem with men and women getting themselves into situations in the modern world they are totally unprepared for. Don’t get me wrong this can work, but it doesn’t take much searching to see the many examples of how this didn’t workout. In fact it may have worked out tragically.

Having a child is a life long commitment. Make sure your’e ready for that. Until you are, wear a condom or get really good at pulling out.  Never believe anyone who says they can’t get pregnant, because…well…that can be a massive mistake.

Don’t Try & Fix 1 Bad Decision with Another Bad Decision

Too many times when we find ourselves in a rut, the easiest way to get out may seem like taking the easier path. It never is. That being said, this is not in any way shape or form easy. Simple concept, very hard to apply.

If you make a mistake and fall in love too fast, make too many commitments or get someone pregnant and you’re not ready for it, it is ok to back out of everything. As much as your closest friends may judge you, family members turn their backs and the person you loved now hates and vilifies you, it is not an excuse to do something you’re not ready to do.

You made a mistake. You fell in love to fast. It is what we all do. It is so easy to do. We should all really get it, rather than force a situation that you aren’t sure of.

I know people that have walked out of weddings, left their ‘baby mamas’ and just left a relationships high and dry with no word whatsoever. These are all ‘asshole’ moves, and they should be amended at someone point. By all means they are not the right thing to do. The sad thing is so many men and women don’t talk about how blind love can make you and what can happen specifically that they get themselves in these situations.  It is insane. I’ve done it many times. I have been the guy that decided I was going to stay and make things work, as well as the guy that is going to do the ‘right thing’ and stay in a relationship that was already not working. It always made it worse. As much experience I have had with bad decisions, I have had about 100 times more coaching men who have fallen into this trap.
The best way you will learn to stop making mistakes it to start taking full responsibility for them.  That means, not running from them and not committing to things just because you’re afraid of what will happen when you don’t fulfill your naive mistake.

Don’t try and fix one mistake with another. It NEVER works out.

Life Long Decisions take a Lifetime to Make

It is easy to say yes to almost anything when love is on your side. Especially if you have never had much love in your life. What I mean by that is, it is easy to want to give your entire self to someone, start a family and completely commit yourself to someone when you have never felt that good before in your life.

The less experience you have, and possibly the more insecure the greater love will sweep you off your feet. It will send you into a delusion. It will make you feel like nothing can affect you. This can be seen in the delusion of a man who is finally getting a lot of sex thinking he is somehow superior to all others now, or it can manifest in falling in deep deep love with a women you might not be ready for.

You need to honor your commitments. You need to start living with the idea that your word is really all you have got. Everything else is just a reflection of that.

Before you make a lifelong decision like getting married, having a baby or something that carries intense meaning give yourself some time in the situation. Give yourself 2 years with that person minimum. Know that you can get through anything with them. Let the excitement of the honeymoon phase fade, and reality set in. If it is not right, you’ll need to know how to break up with them. If you still feel connected, travel with them, share experiences and adventures with them. Live together, get a dog together and see how you are when you see her at her worst and vise versa. Are you committed to that person, or are you committed to you feeling good and wanting things to just work?

Relationships & Love are Great

In writing this, I can see how it might seem pessimistic. But as I said before this is a force of nature. It is what is supposed to happen, and it will happen. However, our culture is complex now. We are not living in the ‘paleolithic days’ and human interaction is complex in the boundaries culture has given us. Human communication is complex enough without culture. What I would recommend is if you’re a sexually active male you need to be a part of a men’s group where guys talk about this. They aren’t posturing and trying to be an ‘image’, but they are able to be honest about their experiences with women and life. 

Also work on yourself as much as possible. As hard as it is to always speak your truth, do it. Don’t skimp. Don’t allow yourself to be complacent with honesty and commitment. Value every human interaction you have. State what you feel, be alert and share from yourself. If you can truly commit to this then you will build a world around you that empowers you rather than a world you’re always trying to fight against.

And of course know falling in love is one of the greatest things in the world. Allow yourself to do it a few times before you make a lifelong commitment based on it.

If you need a strong and established community of men to be a part of dedicated to personal excellence, we have one.  Check it out here – thesexuallife.com/members

Thanks
Steve Mayeda

Steve@thesexuallife.com