OWNING SEX – How Culture Distorts Sex
by Steve Mayeda

In our society and culture we are taught that ownership and possession are some of the highest values. It is how we work. We have developed ways of life completely based on this. It is how we live, express and interact. However when it comes to aspects of humanity that aren’t manmade (culture is manmade), there is almost always a conflict with the natural expressions and urges we feel.

Being social and sexual are what we were born to be. They are our natural urges. We will have them no matter what culture we are in. They are a force of nature within us.

You cannot own things you were born to be –
Being Social
Being Sexual
A Human
and so on…

Over and over again we see how modern culture tries to fit this idea of ownership on human life. Slavery would be the most extreme, a lesser expression of it might be rules and regulations of a relationship. These expressions of culture are not something that is entirely bad. As long as we have this many people, communicating on this level we will need ways to manage it. There will be restrictions. In fact, the solution to all of this cannot be not having this culture but more of how can we get into out true nature. See what that true nature is, see what culture creates and causes and learn to live within that.

However this idea of ownership that we have in our culture is a very new idea. It is not found in more primitive cultures, nor is it found in so many thing different aspects of life in cultures from 100 to 200 years ago. For instance, owning of a thought or idea now has a legal definition. Or owning of genetic breed of a plant or animal is a fairly new idea, ensuring us that we will be safe of someone else taking it from us.

Humanity has been on earth for millions of years. Society as we know it, although it is our absolute reality, has only been around a few thousand. In this there was the birth of ownership. Which led to war, which led to dependence on law, government and suppressing independence and natural expression. To get really into this I’d look at Saharasia or the Ishmael series.

The general idea is that we live in a cultural distortion. We have a lot going on that influences us and that allows us to only have an expression within the culture we are. There are clearly many benefits to this, a wealth of information, history and so on, but it also keeps us from cultivating our identity and individuality.

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The more we don’t understand something the more is can build fear, myth, exaggeration and story. Sex is something we sell, commodify and use as a tool of economy but rarely do we have it. As it is said, everything in our culture is sex, except sex. When we are afraid of anything in our culture we are told to control that thing. We see this over and over again with people, looking for ways to control sex, sexual behavior, sexual partners and so on. Sexual rituals, religion’s influence on sex, marriage and all sorts rules and regulations to make sense out of sex.

If we can own sex, or own how we have sex, or control the ways we have sex in an unwritten agreement or a written agreement we will not be hurt by it. The more people we have, the more stimuli, and the more people communicating we will start to build more rules that get more and more particular and defined to the things we do not understand. As society grows, you will see sex and socializing get defined to an inhuman level. Some might say it already is.

However the more we can communicate, experience and share our sexual lives we start to realize there can be no rules. There cannot be. In fact you can even say, that the more one gets into their authentic state it will be impossible to abide by a set structure or rule. Much like looking at a plant, or how water flows there will be many laws of nature it abides by, but all are subject to change and augment into a new way, through environment, genetics and so on. If man were to try and control the laws of nature making them laws of man, they would never gain full control over nature.

What are the natural laws of sex and socializing?
In a simple sense the main law of sex and socializing in how we were born to be is connection. There must be a connection and an exchange. Life follows this pattern. 2 things come together to create a new thing. Whether that is life itself or an emotion, even a situation, this is how life works.

If you look even closer we can find more and more different things sexually that happen when 2 people come together. There can be many expressions. In modern culture we can look at something like BDSM or pornography as someone’s expression of sex. These might seem impossible for some to see to find happiness or health within them. We might also see marriage or monogamy as something that is unnatural to human life. However the things is that every expression we have of sex is a distortion, because we live in a distortion. I can also say from personal experience that I can prove to be unhappy or happy in a wide range of sexual behaviors. I can also say that many members of TSL can happy in a wide range of sexual behaviors. What makes sex good and fulfilling is less about the behavior and more about maintaining the natural principles of connection.

When we start to control our sex, get less expressive and exchange with it, we turn it into a massive dysfunction and this is where ownership comes from.

When we connect with sex and exchange with other people with it we get ‘Sexually Healthy’

  • We find our identity
  • We feel fulfilled
  • We are relaxed
  • We have an open mind
  • We have empathy
  • We see people and situations for what they are


When we are not sexually healthy or socially healthy we start to have

  • Confusion
  • Judgment
  • Frustration
  • Resentment
  • Anxiety
  • Need for control
  • Ownership
  • Hatred
  • Division of people or ideology
  • Enforcement
  • Isolation and alienation
  • Revenge
  • Anti-social behavior

The interesting thing is our culture will tell us and teach us that if we strive for these characteristics we will be sexually and socially healthy. For instance, always try and have a checklist of empathy we will be whole in our humanity. Of course this isn’t a bad exercise, but it will not make you socially and sexually fulfilled. You need to live it everyday in your life.

You might also be thinking, being resentful or owning things is normal. Anything from the above list about unhealthy social and sexual behavior you might think is normal in our culture. That is because it is. These are new phenomenons in human behavior. They are not what we were born to be. In fact you could look at it as they are consistent reactions to living in an over populated and over stimulated environment. When looking at population growth and density, you can easily follow how the larger a society got in a small space the more these exact traits became not just a moment that happened in our lives, but a way of life.

In my life, I have had a lot of sexual experience. It has motivated me over the years. It has been a natural draw for me. I have depended on the needs of rules and cultural rules to try and make my relationships work. I have also had sexual experience where I felt so intense that I owned that persons sexuality, and they owned mine. However I soon realized that this never ended up working out.

What I had to realize and why at TSL we have the Suggestions of Sexual Health is that I needed to own my sex. My sex and sexual behavior needed to be explored. I needed to find what I liked. I need to look at why I liked some of the things I like. I needed to stop seeing it as wrong and judge it, even if it was a dysfunction and start trying to understand it.

Now I am in a monogamous relationship. I could make arguments all day long about how unnatural that is with myself. However, it is my choice. It is what I choose and what I have decided to live by based on my experience. I have looked and lived a massive sexual life for me to know who I am. And what is most natural about humanity and fulfillment, what we were truly meant to be is to be able to have choice everyday. Choice so I can connect and be influenced by another.
Sadly many of us choose not to have that choice. Sadly we turn to someone else’s choice that we do not know, we have not connected with to express the urge of sex.

Sex cannot be owned.
Connection cannot be owned.
All the things you were born to be cannot be owned.

Live your life, experience. Have reality be your feedback loop. Realize that what is in front of you and what you can touch and feel is what is most important in your life. Stop living in a world 1000 miles away and live with the world in front of you.

Shoot em my way – Steve@theSexualLife.com

Comments, leave down below!

Be Social 
Be Sexual
Live Life

Steve Mayeda


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