[custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h3″ accent=”true”] This is the age old question… [/custom_headline]
How can I turn my friend into a lover?
How do I get out of the friend zone?
Please, Steve tell me the secret PUA trick to getting this girl to like me?
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Before I give you the answer to this, I want to say something first…
I hate questions like this.
Why?
Believe me I have asked this same question many times myself. The 15 year old me, the 25 year old me and the 28 year old me would have begged for the answer to this question. But after having lived a life where sex and connection is absolutely fulfilling I can tell you how desperate this is. Desperation is the mentality that brought me to my bottoms, and although it made me desperate enough to look for an answer, the answer was always much more simple.
Let me explain this a little bit.
If I felt desperate or less than or that somehow I was missing something sexually then I could NEVER get fulfillment with relationships. I might even be unlucky enough to get the results of success, but I would never be the human being that could handle it.
Now if I could build the foundation of self that makes results so great then I could be happy.
Without knowing who you are, and being satisfied with that, you won’t be having relationships, you’ll be having validation, comparisons and all sorts of other dysfunction you’re calling relationships. Sadly we have taken sex and turned it into everything but sex. I’d start with that, if you’re asking this question.
[custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true”] Here’s my answer -[/custom_headline]
If you want to get out of the ‘friend zone’ and turn your friend into a lover I have 2 roads for you.
1 – If you’re in this situation here’s how to get out
2 – If you’re always getting in this situation here’s how you won’t get in it again
(In fact you can download this PDF that is titled KILLING the FRIEND ZONE for free)[custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h5″ accent=”true”]I’m In The Friend Zone [/custom_headline] If you’re in this situation you need to stop it. It is a situation that is not serving you. You need to state intent and tell her what you want. Believe me I get this, she may not want this, but once you gain some experience with women you will realize that this is a lot easier than you think. You simply tell her something along the lines like – “Hey I know we are friends, but I think of you more than just a friend. I don’t want to embarrass you or make you feel nervous or afraid but that is what I feel and I don’t want to ignore my feelings anymore. Would you like to start getting to know each other on a more intimate level?” At this point she will most likely say she is not interested…why? Because she is nervous and put on the spot. If you’re a guy who gets in this situation all the time, you’re probably thinking you’re getting rejected. However, if she still wants to hangout as ‘friends’ after that, I‘d say you still have a shot. In fact if that happened to me, I’d know I had more than a shot, it would just mean she has some resistance and fears I need to alleviate. If you’re thinking, ‘well, what if she doesn’t want me?’ GOOD The fact that you would want to live being tortured and starve of your desires physically, emotionally and mentally just so you don’t feel rejected…well that is an act of self-hate. If you empower self-hate what are you left to give a woman? [custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h5″ accent=”true”] Always Ending Up In The Friend zone [/custom_headline]I’m If you’re a guy that always ends up in the friend zone If you’re this guy (and if you’re the above guy, you’re probably this guy too) you need to do 3 things in your interactions.
- INTENT
- ISOLATION
- ESCALATION
There’s some finesse to all of these, but at their core they are really simple and easy to do. You just might not be used to them or know how. However, the idea that somehow you are incapable of them – WRONG! The fact of the matter is that in today’s society men don’t do this anymore. Neither do women really. We think going for what we want has to be an abnormal act. Like we need to be ‘selfish’ or ‘misogynistic’ or we need to be a ‘bad girl’ or something like that. we need to be a man and she needs to be a woman (at least in the sexual sense of it). That is it, we are supposed to want each other.
INTENT If you’re a man you need to know how to say – “I am sexually attracted to you” In a way that she can understand. You will need to say that with your body, mind, face, demeanor and of course your words. To put it simply if you know you like a girl, say it as soon as you feel it. Stop thinking about it like a technique and start thinking about it like an expression. Of course there are better ways to say it, and not so good ways to say it, but start saying it. The great thing about it is you know when you do it right and wrong almost immediately. Here’s a few examples of meeting someone in the first 5 mins and stating intent in any situation – “Hey I really liked meeting you, but you’re really attractive in a lot of ways and I would like to talk to you more.” “You know as you were talking I totally got lost in the conversation because you have such amazing hair.” “Look, I know whether I like someone right away or not, and I can tell if I keep talking to you it will be a good thing, how can we do that?” The key is that she feels that you are serious about talking to her. You’re not representing ‘the right way society says to talk to women’, you’re representing YOU! Start acting like it. If she rejects you, good! That means she doesn’t like you and the relationship in whatever form would not work.
ISOLATION One of the biggest problems I see with men who are always asking about the friend zone is they hangout in groups. It is safe, non-threatening and so on. Look, being social at the expense of ignoring your urge is pointless. Don’t do it. When you meet anyone, if you want to be a friend, make a sale or be their lover you need to be 1-on-1 with them. The great things about being human being is that often if you are 1-on-1 with them they naturally fall into rapport and sometimes seduction. If you’re a guy and you’re saying, ‘What if I go on dates and end up in the friend zone?’ Guess what, you need to start staying intent. Stop making it about what works to keep her around, and start making it about stating what you want. If I have any advice for anyone who is getting into social dynamics it is this, stop worrying about opening, and start worrying about isolating people. In fact open by isolating. It is weird at first but once you know you can do it, you can start being yourself and do it. Start asking people, “Hey can I borrow you for a second, I want to ask you something…” “Excuse me, I have a private question for you…” I am all for you growing out of this, but if you have 0 experience with opening and isolating, do it. Then start learning how you can just be yourself and do it.
ESCALATION All this means is to move the situation further along in a direction that represents your connection. When it comes to sex it means sexual escalation. When it comes to sales it means sales escalation. You’re just moving into a direction together. Men who don’t do this in their sexual lives end up waiting for the woman to make the move or as a friend. It sucks. Here’s the deal If you want get a connection move to a date If you can get a date, get a kiss If you can get a kiss, get her back to your place or her place If you can get to room, get a kiss If you can get that kiss…start making sweet love! There are all sorts of techniques to get this down, but before you over think it, think of the above pattern. If you can’t connect, work on connecting. If you can connect then start getting dates. Move in a direction and lead. It is super simple and fast. Also the further you get along on this the higher then next move’s probability it. For instance, if you just meet someone she might be 50/50 on going on a date with you. however if you can get her on a date it is more like 60/40 on her kissing you….if you go for it. [custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h3″ accent=”true”] Conclusion [/custom_headline] As men we need to grow up. As women we need to grow up. We need to stop living our lives, especially our sexual lives based on what other people say. No matter how much something makes sense it will always be you alone and intimate with someone else when it comes to sex and relationships. You need to know what you want and learn how to ask for it. You need to learn what it means when someone says no. You need to learn how to handle that. But the idea that you are to be someone else (whether that is an exaggeration of a suppression) to get what you were born to be…well, that is kinda sad.
Steve Mayeda
Questions or Comments Shoot em my way – Steve@theSexualLife.com Or just write them in the ‘comments’ section
Core Worth
Hello Steve in reading your article
Well I’ve been too busy to read your articles and pretty much dropped out of everything for the past four months, just got overloaded with work they had overtime for the past three months I put in 20 to 30 hours weeks but left no time to do anything else.
You talk about the implosion of the pick up artist community and I don’t think the community is imploding rather it appears that the community is falling apart because the message is coming from anti-community groups such as feminists, lawmakers, administrators, community policy makers men’s magazine editors and nonaffiliated dating coaches who don’t understand the dating problem. while it may be true that many of these PUA types and teachers simply don’t have their life together, take for example Steve Nash, who was one of the original people in the community who finally just woke up and realize he needed to do something better with his life for now he is on this becoming a better man concept.
But what I wanted to address is this concept of value that you talk. For example I have an MBA and that should give me value, I have traveled the world and that should give me value, I have survived a major disease and that should give me major respect, and adoration, previously I was in incredible shape and I now have a fitness trainer certificate, and in the community, this is what we mean by value but the reality of value is that is communicated on the outside of me. It’s a purpose of communicating value to another person.
The purpose of value is accepting that value within yourself because what it will do is it will change your interactions with people. It makes you a better person and people are more likely to trust you, respect you and accept you. and this is all based on the idea that first off you respect yourself.
You could be the guy for example who can be a rocket scientist. The guy who creates a computer engineering program that makes it easier to run a computer system but if you cannot engage people in such a way that you feel confident about yourself and if you are unable to engage people to connect, then all that you have learned is worthless.
For example I have an MBA but I am not able to communicate to perspective employers that I can perform the typical types of jobs that MBA’s do, I own a home but people don’t come to visit me at my home because I haven’t communicated in such a way that I know how to take care of a home, and make it livable. I’ve been through date coaching, Land Mark education, I went through a no more Mr. nice guy recovery, and I even took some PUA training, but none of that communicates to other people as dating success or life success, I even took years of salsa dancing but none of that translated to long-term relationships with women. So when you talk about value I hear you attacking at least one specific coach who promotes that concept of value but I don’t think you understand what he’s trying to teach.
Let me explain, he’s shorter than I am, but when we’re out in the club together when we’re standing next to each other, he’s standing taller than I am I’m standing in such a way that communicates failure or rejection or giving up. He has taught me a few things about being strong and standing up for myself, he has taught me to be aggressive. I’ve also learned Steve from my conversational dynamics from listening to my voice recordings that I don’t carry a sense of strength and value because it hasn’t been excepted with in me personally it’s not part of my core. My conversational dynamics, the tonality of my conversation, the speed of my voice, the clarity of my conversation, etc. it all communicates a lack of value that eminates from within me. A limited belief that I need others approval. This is a negative value that gets communicated to others implicitly.
I can talk to someone and say hey I make $300 a day trading in the stock market it means nothing to someone else. it further means nothing because on the outside it doesn’t look like that is what’s happening. A successful man for example, wears nice clothes he does fun things he has possessions he travels he has friends. When someone is successful in dating, they don’t communicate it explicitly, they don’t say, hey, I’m a successful dater, it’s communicated implicity, by the fact that they are out at nights dating, hanging with friends or that they always have other things to do. There’s no need to communicate some sense of value here for the purposes of attraction and dating, it’s implied.
But the guy who communicates repeated success in dating never actively express’s it. He actually communicate’s it, passively, he shows up at events with friends, girls, or even a girlfriend. I’ve known for years since I’ve been in this community, that what is important when you engage a member of the opposite sex or people in general is the little things. You can communicate for example that you have a job, but it doesn’t communicate that you can manage your finances and be successful. You could communicate that you have a date with a girl tomorrow night, but it doesn’t communicate that you know what you’re doing when it comes to relationships.
In my local community, when I hang out with my friends, occasionally I run into a woman who says, you’re 50 years old never been married? She will say to me, dude you got issues and she’s right. She totally gets that I have had issues in my life creating building and maintaining relationships. On the other hand, someone who has been married and has had children, even if they have lost it all, they have taken the biggest risk of their life and they have made themselves most vulnerable to the opposite sex, and women get that. Do you understand what I mean? Thats what it means to convey value, that woman above gets that I am not conveying any potential partner value. She wouldn’t want to date me, I’m offering nothing to her, she understands that on a deeper level. Now, I may not be the kind of guy that she wants, there are plenty of girls who just want to hook up, maybe there is one out there for me. For that kind of girl, there is nothing to hold onto.
Men need to communicate value in the most subtle ways, when a man is at his most vulnerable point a woman can see through him she is realizing that the man in front of her is real and pure. If on the other hand she meets a man who is just words, ( I tend to be that way) a man who just says things for acceptance she will realize that he is not being vulnerable, this is what you are talking about when you speak of communicating value, a man who is just words on a piece of paper. She will realize that this man has his guard up and when she understands that she also feels that he is weak. What I’m trying to say is that the subtle communication of vulnerability in reality actually communicates strength and dominance. It communicates that you are leaving your self wide open for attack and regardless you’re so strong that you don’t need to defend yourself.
What I hope to boil this down to is this; it comes down to acceptance with in yourself and your core because it doesn’t matter that you try to communicate personal value to people on the outside. you could dress nice you can groom yourself properly you can wear beautiful jewelry but the reality of it is you have to make it a part of your core it’s going to be that little thing that you communicate to her that you have no value. And pick up artist tactics or Peacocking for displays of value will communicate that. You, your self communicate subtly a sense of value and purpose naturally, not because you communicate it explicitly but because it is communicated implicitly by the work that you do. An example of this is as follows, I went to this country’s best international business school but I’m not working in an international business career, I could better communicate that strength if I chose to change my profession to a career in business, be it a stock broker or a product marketer . So, value is important in the nature of relationships but we misunderstand that we have to accept our own value and make it our core being and purpose and when we can accomplish this then we can communicate that naturally to other people without being explicit.
Recently Steve I gave a friend from the old days a hard time because he was pining for his ex-wife and he insulted me, and I felt bad because he was married and he had kids, and I had not done the same, and I feel bad for myself until I thought about it, and I realize he was right I never had kids but when I was younger my life was a mess and I didn’t want to create a family that I could not provide for that I could not show them the world that I could not offer them the education or the opportunity for an education that I was able to provide for myself later in years. I chose to return to school late in my years and then after I went to school I also chose to travel and experience the world and I feel it that’s an experience that only the lucky get to have. My father had a great job with only a high school education he traveled the world working for the airplane company and he was able to raise a large family and help several of those family members get the college education that they wanted. That’s what I wanted but I could only have part of tha,t my education and my travel experiences and I made a promise to myself I don’t want to have a family if I can’t give them what I want to give them. So when his friend insulted me I feel bad for mysel. f I hadn’t made my passion and my desires and my personal value a part of my core I couldn’t respond to it and shrug it off my shoulders, it hurt but it sank in and I accepted it. Now today I look at ways that I can just move on, I realize that the sub communication of value strength and vulnerability doesn’t mean having a bank account with lots of money and a great education it’s about accepting your self and participating in the community at large. Because if all you do is get up in the morning go to work stay at work for extra overtime hours just so you could have extra money then you’re not communicating a sense of personal worth and acceptance you’re communicating the opposite.
Just over a year ago I really wanted to get promoted at the company and the company turned me down three times but since my financial situation has turned around since I’m no longer desperate for money since I don’t need to be promoted I am happy making the money I’m making and I can enjoy life that i’ve created that all communicates through my core. You can be a gym rat who is in terrific shape but if you come home in your house is torn apart and your house is dirty you’re a mess and have a great high paying job but if you’re single and you don’t have any friends you’re messed up but it seems to me that when you were involved with communities and families and friends and girlfriends and wives and children well it seems that that can be a very difficult task for most of us to complete but yet the community at large of the society that we live in seems to value that purpose of creating family first and not wealth and success and that’s what’s really important.
So I have to take your concerns with trying to communicate value with of a grain of salt. If you’re trying to communicate value as A pick up artist would then you are correct you are using short-term tactics for an even shorter term game and that’s not going to give you any respect but if you communicate value implicitly based on your purpose in life and your passions the people that you get together with are your friendships and they are solid and they’re just not mutual acquaintances All that communicates a sense of core worth so if I had to boil this all down, you would be correct that the PUA idea of communicating value is worthless and that there’s no purpose in communicating value but rather a sense of communicating implicitly your core belief that’s the difference.
Brian Lehmbecker