Pick up was never about sex and seduction, it was about insecure men trying to stop being insecure.
Let’s get this straight, there is nothing wrong with a man who wants to meet women. There is nothing wrong with a man who wants to have a sex life that he has never experienced. There is nothing wrong with sex, there is nothing wrong with learning a skill to meet women and have sex, but there is something wrong with pick up and the culture it has become.
So what is the difference?
Well there is a lot; however, when it comes down to is Pick Up evolved into a culture very early on that was based on insecurity. It was based on men feeling they were not good enough. They were starved and wanted to fulfill their hunger. When you are starving and malnourished what you think is success is to not feel pain, hunger and confusion. When you are in deficit mentally, emotionally, sexually and socially you just want what you think looks good, you want the pain to stop. You want the loneliness to stop. What looks good are ‘cool people’, ‘high value people’ and what the culture values. Pick up is an insecure man’s view on how not to stay in pain.
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On my journey (and on all the men I know who have worked to become a better man, live a sexual life and become a socially healthy person) I started to have relationships, sex, connections with people and build friendships. I immediately noticed I was fulfilled by something different than what the PUA industry guarantees. Success happiness and fulfillment with sex in reality was very different than what the hunger mindset said. Getting more, having more and owning more wasn’t the language of being social or sexual. It was the language of starvation.
To put things in perspective, in my life now, my sex drive may say I want sex in some excessive ways than my normal state, but if I can learn to communicate to the core urge and not to what culture and society says, then I can be fulfilled. If I’m doing a gang bang because I’m supposed to or I am desperate then that is dysfunction. If I’m doing a gang bang because I enjoy that as a true sexual expression, then I can be healthy. You might be thinking, gang bangs are not healthy…well, think of it this way, I lived the distortion and learned the beautiful language of sex and seduction in the distortion. I learned to be healthy in the distortion.
I can say that I have been ‘sexually healthy’ while living many different sexual lifestyles – relationships, promiscuity and monogamy. It was more about following my god given urge physically, emotionally and mentally than anything else. Pick up doesn’t teach you that.
This brings us to the implosion.
When I see the PUA industry I see 2 groups of people.
The Malnourished
The Nourished
[custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h3″ accent=”true”] The Malnourished – [/custom_headline]
(See the case studies here)
This is anyone in the PUA scene that still believes in Social Value, a skill that overrides human choice and an image that is needed to look better than theirs. Bottom line if you think that being something you’re not to get a result that is supposed to make you happy, you’re on the road to mental illness.
Let’s put this into context –
If you’re a PUA or even an MPUA and your life is still about holding an image of alpha masculinity (the warrior, the leader, the alpha), or you think making yourself look good by showing that you’re better than other people then you are not being yourself and you cannot have a relationship. If you think a skill, or learning a skill will be more powerful than expression, connection and someone influencing you then you will only end up confused and frustrated with life, love and sex.
PUAs that get really into approaching as a technique have proven that in about a year they can ‘open a set’ but will have no friends (unless they’re obsessively into pick up), they will have less emotional range. Most of them will still not be having sex with women, but the few that do will only hate women and see them as objects.
When it comes to guys who instruct this is much worse and the problems are far more dramatic. I have included a few case studies down below of people I have kept anonymous. Gossip is a shitty way to communicate. This is only meant as information.
This is what will implode. These are the guys that will ultimately live a life of frustration and pain, blindly pushing a button that gives them less and less. For the MPUAs that live this lifestyle they will publicly melt down. They have had too much success and validation to keep them from realizing that no matter how cool they are, no matter how much validation they have nothing. Only an undeniable ‘bottom’ will make sense to them. Just do a google search of some of the most popular guys, what do you see?
You see a good front, based on what a man is supposed to me, what culture says is good and them talking about techniques that work. But what are their lives like? I can’t throw anyone under the bus, but I can tell you this I know pretty much everyone. If I don’t know a professional PUA coach in this industry it is because you’re too new, or for some reason you don’t like me. That being said I know very few who have their lives together, however on the outside they look like gold.
What will end up happening is in the near future you will see these guys try harder and harder, promote the lie more and more extreme. Front the value in such ridiculous ways and when the money doesn’t come, the girls leave over and over again and the validation stops doing it’s job of camouflaging how fucked their lives are, they will do what crazy and starving people do, go to war with themselves and everything around them.
I can tell you this, most good PUA coaches are crazy, including myself. But few are honest. Few to none show failure or weakness, unless it is a tool of vulnerability, which is dishonesty. You have got to be real if you expect realty to not break you.
[custom_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h3″ accent=”true”] The Nourished – [/custom_headline]
These are guys who are good with women. Seducers as Jason Savage would call them. They are guys who have been in the PUA scene and come out the other end. They may have not even gone through it. In fact I found most of my sexual health through talking to sex addicts, people who came out of the other end of the porn industry and guys I know that were good with women and found happy lifestyle. For the recovering PUAs this can be a really frustrating time – it was for me. Who could I talk to about real life? Hypnotica, Zan…7 or 8 years ago there were only Malnourished men teaching this stuff (at least that I knew). For me it came from my friends in porn and those who were recovering addicts to blow sanity in my life and learn to live socially and sexually healthy.
I knew sex was good, women were good and my excessive sexual behavior was good but I couldn’t articulate it.
It is simple, if you can be who you are in all your communications and connections you know what it means to be socially and sexually healthy. You know the beauty of seduction. You start to realize that society puts odd rules on to sex because it is so powerful. You start to realize this has been happening in all societies. In our society we are repressed sexually. We sell it, we have it, but we don’t know how to speak it as a fluid language. A lot confuses us. Pick up, was just a reaction to the distortion we live in. I say this without trying to promote victimization. No solution can come from that.
NEW PERSPECTIVE
For myself and the many coaches that aren’t as ‘cool’ or ‘famous’ I can say there is a consistent message of ‘sex is good’, and be yourself. There are no rules, you make them.
Now one thing I will say is this side of the industry is still forming. There is a large group of ‘idealist’ who don’t have a set of skills to teach step by step. Then there are recovering PUA dudes (like me), we teach a high level of skill set, but have trouble connecting sex to all the great virtues of humanity. This takes time. In 2009 I gave a speech about this at the 21 Convention it wasn’t until 2011 that I really started feeling comfortable with this. Right now there is a divide within the coaches leading this way. The idealist need structure and the recovering PUAs need to expand their thoughts.
This is the foundation of TSL and what I believe in – Theory to application. However, I truly believe that to think I have come up with THE FORMULA is exactly what is wrong with the scene. This is why I have the podcast, this is why I also talk with other people about sex. This is why I am involved with The 21 Convention. Sex and seduction and all its benefits is less in me, than it is within a group of people talking and being honest about sex. Sex isn’t meant to be dictated, it is meat to be had and exchanged. This is another problem that fits in to the Malnourished’s Image they need to maintain. I get it, I am a coach, people want to get direction from me. But if I can’t be honest and get direction too then I am living in disconnect and scarcity. I am at most a fan of sex, socializing and seduction. What people pay me for are the programs I have created and my time I work. What makes TSL work is not my authority but how open we are. In the past 8 years of being in business we have created a massive international men’s group that meets almost everyday of the week where I participate on. Sadly no one else has done this. Serving the dollar is much different than serving the solution.
I see in the future of sex and socializing, a forum or community where men and women can be a part of various groups where there isn’t an authority, or heavy set of rules. Honesty and exchange is the standard, sex and empathy are the language. That is the key. To be a better man or women we need to stop thinking we have it all figured out. There is no ‘absolute’. If there is one thing I know about sex and relationships, it is that they change you. They change you because they change. Why would you put your force of nature and birthright in a box? Why would you put you in a prison? There is no set way, there is no absolute, and this is what makes it so good.
Sex to me is our nature
To have empathy is our nature.
This is our truth.
We need to stop telling a lie to speak the truth.
Steve Mayeda
Questions or Comments
Shoot em my way – Steve@theSexualLife.com Or just write them in the ‘comments’ section
Awesome, AWESOME POST brother!
I’ve known and listened to you for some time but I’ve grown as a man now so I can finally present myself. I really appreciate the things you talk about here. You added me on your friends list without really knowing who I am and I really appreciate that. You’re real like everyone else in the world but you don’t pretend to be a god or know it all.
I just wanted to leave a quick message telling you that you’re doing right. You and the other speakers at the 21 convention really know your stuff. I shall be speaking there sometime soon so maybe I’ll see you around. The world is changing and guiding the new generation is a really great use of your time.
Thank you for everything and always have a great day. – Educatedcollins
I really enjoyed reading this article.
-Frank Kermit
Saw the video earlier today, finally found time to read the article. This is great stuff, exactly what I’ve been saying lately, but you articulate it so much betterererer!! Will share.
“Be Yourself”. I have heard that for so long and its starting to make sense now. Before, I would hear THAT and think there is NO way I could be myself and get my needs met. The reality is THAT is the only way to get your need met fully.
I’ve been involved in the “community” for over 7 years now and my success rate certainly skyrocketed. Now I find myself in my mid 30’s and still single. I want something more real with a girl that is sustainable and i don’t know how to take the skills i’ve learned and have that. The qualities that make a good man in a relationship are certainly different then the ones that turn on a woman in the beginning it seems. It’s unfortunate but i read through this article and honestly am not even sure what the OP is trying to say. He seems just as confused as anyone else. His message is very fragmented and all over the place.
I agree. He knows there’s a problem but doesn’t accomplish too much other than that, hardly comes off as an authority on the subject. Just someone that knows there’s a problem.
Jim
I’m not sure if you’re referring to me, Steve Mayeda, but if you are let me clarify a few things.
1) Not Much of an Authority –
I’d have to disagree with you here. I am a pretty humble dude so it may not accomplish your goals for “authority”, but I am the host of the 21 convention, head instructor of Venusian Arts and the founder of this site and company. Venusian Arts and T21C hired me specifically because I was an authority on cleaning up pick up.
I give speeches internationally on this exact subject and have done this longer than any instructor in the industry. I’d challenge you on that. Find any other instructor speaking on the problems in pick up and continuing to do so since 2008. I have been doing it before the but hey, why not make it easy on you…
If I am not an authority on the problems and solutions in the PUA industry, who is?
2) “No Solution” – this is where I would have to say you’re totally unfamiliar with me because this is just ignorant. I don’t mean that as an insult you just don’t know. For nearly 10 years I have taught in a very specific way that is differ my than pick ups problems. I teach purely from authenticity and customization without compromise and I hold over 20 hours of group calls a week. At TSL we have a massive men’s group that has been unbroken and continued to grow for 5 years. That means for the past 5 years there have been almost daily meetings where men can learn an entirely different social dynamic based on them and plug into a group of men who are on the same path. I am on at least 15 hours a week of those calls
3) Proof – there’s a consistent pattern of growth. Our social dynamic only guarantees social and sexual health. This means being happy with you in all your relationships. Also what will happen is your whole life will get better, why, because we were born to be social and sexual. It is our natural state.
You’re more than welcome to email me and ask to come on one of the many calls and ask the guys what they’ve gone through and how they’ve changed.
I would put my product TSL Online against any other social dynamic product out there. Bootcamp, workshop, online product, 10 day intensive. Not only it outperform those products in the social and sexual realm but it will give you a new way of looking at the world. You will be happier as a man in ways you couldn’t of imagined.
Whenever something becomes hugely popular, it attracts naysayers, much like a charged cloud induces the opposite charge on the ground. Naturally something exciting happens between the two, like lightning. This article seems to be little more than the latest fad, dissing PUA simply because PUA used to be wildly popular. Now the latest fad is anti-PUA. There’s not as much of it, yet, so it’s easier to create that lightning as an anti-PUA guru.
Attacking the PUA industry for being PUA is like attacking childhood because it’s so childish. It’s simply a phase to pass through, to learn from (both good and bad) and to move on from towards more adult endeavors having been better educated.
Alas, there are too many adult males who are still childish, and their stunted growth had nothing to do with PUA.
Dude,
Seriously the latest fade, I’m on record for saying this consistent message since 2007 when it wasn’t a fad.
What might be more beneficial for you to ask is “what was wrong with the scene to not notice it?”
And to point out the phenomenon of “naysayers”…
Just look at the comments –
People who don’t know me blindly follow or are blindly are critique to prove they have a point. It is part of the whole problem, no one wants dialog or discussion, no one values communication, they confuse having an opinion with self worth and expression.
So yeah if you disagree you’re welcome on my podcast or you can interview me or we can chat right here, but I don’t support ignorance.
Thanks
Steve
The history of childhood has been a topic of interest in social history since the highly influential book Centuries of Childhood, published by French historian Philippe Ariès in 1960. He argued that “childhood” is a concept created by modern society. Ariès studied paintings, gravestones, furniture, and school records and found that before the 17th-century, children were represented as mini-adults.
Steve,
I certainly will not claim to have followed all your material. My comments were in reference to this article and the video attached to it. If there is something that you feel further clarifies this topic to your readers i’d love to take a look. To me it felt like your talking about a problem that many of us agree exists but not really presenting any kind of solution or direction. The video seemed to be a cryptic ramble and the article just doesn’t seem to accomplish much. In fact there are parts of it that seem to contradict one another. Id even go so far as to say that you seem to be pretty conflicted about the subject matter that you present yourself as an authority on. It’s just feedback. I hope you will find a way to better communicate this because your right, there is a problem. A lot of the stuff taught doesn’t translate to healthy relationships. Sadly what it DOES do is help guys get more attention and sex from women, which is more than they were getting by just “being themselves”. That’s the problem. I don’t believe anyone on the internet can fix that issue. I believe that it is a symptom of what our society has become. I don’t think there’s anyone that has answers so don’t take it as an insult, it’s just how it is. The choices are simple. Either ignore the advice and hope to get lucky and find your sole mate or learn how to get women’s attention and turn them on, only to be alone again a few months later when you can’t live up to the “image” in the real world. It’s just a symptom of the degradation of our society.
Sincerely,
Jim
No problem,
Come on TSL Online – I’ll comp it for you entirely. If you don’t think the solution is there then I will give you $500, but you will have to do it. If you’re unsure about it come on a call tonight and just check it out. Email me – steve@thesexuallife.com
It normally costs $1500, but you’ll get it for free.
Then maybe those critic ramblings will make sense. And man, if you followed me even a little, you’d get my message, it is pretty clear. Like I said, there’s a lot of venues for it.
Thanks
Steve
JIM I JUST WROTE YOU THIS EMAIL BUT YOU LEFT A FAKE EMAIL ADDRESS!!!! GO FIGURE
Here it is, hope to talk to you soon
Anyone else who is in alignment with JIM (Steve = Bullshit that doesn’t have a solution and it unqualified to be an authority on this) email me – steve@thesexuallife.com – I’ll take the first 3 up on the same offer.
Hey man,
You seem to be taking a tone of ‘I’m not going to believe you no matter
what’, but to be honest I hate gossip and shit talking…kinda whats
happening on the blog comment thing.
So dude, come on one of our calls, you’re our guest.
Also you’re more than welcome to do TSL Online March 15th, 2015 when the
next one starts.
It is usually $1500, if you still think I’m full of shit by the end of 3
months then I will give you $500.
Cool?
Word
Steve
PS – Here’s the call info for tonight –
*Click here at the time of the call! *
*https://global.gotomeeting.com/join/634281157
< https://global.gotomeeting.com/join/634281157>*
*Call 3 – Workshopping Call – 120 mins*
*Wed/Thurs (Check Timezone)*
USA –
9pm EST, 8pm CST, 6pm PST – Wed
Sao Paulo – Midnight – Wed/Thurs
UK – 2am Thurs
Europe – 3am Thurs
Cape Town – 4am Thurs
Bangkok – 9am Thurs
Seoul – 11am Thurs
Sydney – 1pm Thurs
*VA Masters Course (VA Alumni or Invite) – 120mins *
*Advanced Techniques & Lifestyle *
*Wed/Thurs (Check Timezone) *
USA
Midnight EST, 11pm CST, 9pm PST
Sao Paulo – 3am – Thurs
UK – 5am Thurs
Europe – 6am Thurs
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Sydney – 4pm Thurs
Well i have to admit i’m skeptical, it’s nothing personal. I just strongly believe that this is a society issue that can’t be resolved. A lot of random factors have to come together with other random factors and you would have to meet the perfect girl “for you”. It’s not something teachable. This is not shit talking or gossip, it’s just how it is. I don’t say this to cause problems for you, at least your not out there trying to rip people off and seem to want to help. I updated to a valid email and i think i probably owe it to you at this point to come on the call and see what you have to say.
Here’s the general idea at TSL, you’re Born to be Social and You’re Born to be Sexual – all of society is a distortion. We were never meant to live in this sort of density and have scarcity emotionally mentally and physically. We all know that is we are starved for food and water we go to war. We are at war with ourselves emotionally mentally and sexually. Socially and sexually we are at war within and outside of ourselves.
If you look at books like The Selfish Gene, Ishmael, Saharasia and some of Wilhelm Reich’s stuff you will see this mapped out. So at TSL we ask, “how do we get back to being social and sexual in a way were were born to be in a dense society where our needs aren’t met. This is the whole basis for the philosophy. There is no set way, only a loose model and principles for you to follow. We have a massive fellowship of men to try and figure it all out, because the journey can suck. But it eventually gets good.
Anyway, it isn’t about getting a girl or a hot chick, pick up is part of the distortion, it is a reaction to the cultural lie.
In in all that I believe we are successful.
I know it has been for me.
Word
Steve
PS – come on the call tonight, ask the dudes and me
Wait this is awesome –
Jim is Rico and Jennifer Jackson and Sinn,
Thank god for IPs…and you say you’re not a troll.
Man I would have taken the $500
Great video and article. I love how the self-improvement is evolving and people are starting to focus more on lifestyle development, improving yourself, finding your purpose instead of just cold hard pickup.
Hey Steve,
Brilliant article and well done for having the courage to speak up about it. This is what stood out for me! There is no technique that is greater than your own true nature. I was stuck for so long in the frame of keeping myself sharper in the field than others, pulling more, going on more dates, getting higher quality and it is destructive in the long run. We all have a unique expression and it is about finding that.
“If you’re a PUA or even an MPUA and your life is still about holding an image of alpha masculinity (the warrior, the leader, the alpha), or you think making yourself look good by showing that you’re better than other people then you are not being yourself and you cannot have a relationship. If you think a skill, or learning a skill will be more powerful than expression, connection and someone influencing you then you will only end up confused and frustrated with life, love and sex.”
Hey thanks Brian,
We gotta have you on the podcast soon.
I am Jim on here but on facebook i’m Rico because Rico is my name. Anyways BS aside i just wanted to drop by again and let anyone reading this know a few things. First of all Steve was man enough to let me on his call after we got off on a pretty bad foot. I guess my issue was that there’s so many guys in this industry trying to make a buck and because Steve has a background in pickup i thought maybe he was trying to take advantage of it’s decline. Well not only did he let me on the call after that, he eventually let me speak about my issues and him and his team did a good job of understanding and addressing them. I can say now that these guys definitely seem to know what they are talking about and arn’t just here to talk about problems but to find solutions. Steve even was talking to a guy for a while about rehab and addiction, which is as real as it gets. So yeah i’m a dick for jumping to conclusions and allowing things to get so out of hand. Least i can do is come on here and say that i feel like these guys really are here to help people through life and try to get them on the right path. I’d say anyone who is thinking of learning more about these guys and learning how to be real and authentic should give them a chance.
Steve I get where you are coming from and I agree with most of what you are saying but I find it a bit incongruent when just below the article your own website is pushing an email newsletter with the tagline:
Get the PDF
Learn 3 Easy Steps to NEVER
Be in the Friend Zone Again
Do you not think that this is the kind of thing the PUA community’s which you’re referring to have become synonymous with; empty promises based on sweeping generalizations of social dynamics? As you said in the video yourself steer clear of those offering a quick fix or anyone who says they can “override the nature of what is within”. It just seems that whilst your opinion may have changed you’re still marketing your product in the same way. Other than that great article man, you seem like one of the good guys and I hope you can be at the forefront of this new generation of dating coaching.
This is true man, definitely a shitty part about marketing to the internet. However, if you look at the PDF and what it is saying to do it will do that…if you do it. It is basically saying, through technique and expression if you like someone here is how you show it and say it, if they don’t like you then they will leave, if they like you they will have an opportunity to like you.
However, that being said the guarantee to get someone in the front door is totally what fucks up the industry.
Anyone who gets involved with TSL knows that once you actually start to work its programs and interact, it is the most interactive group that I have seen in this industry. It is so interactive of all the groups I know of it shadows them. I mean we have over 20 hours of interactive calls a week. This has always been a struggle to market. I have been in the industry for nearly 10 years teaching and I have always made a good living, but finding that balance is a struggle.
Anyway man, I’d invite you to join one of our calls. Basically if you have internet and no matter where you live we hit that timezone come on and share your advice and also fill your ear with whatever content you like. The group is pretty great and I am very proud of it. It is sad to lower it to marketing.
Good point man.
Even though I stand by the content and techniques taught by their claim, the voicing is feeding off desperation. That is not good.
Steve
MGTOW and MRA’s have been calling out PUA for decades now for what it really was. They saw it coming miles away yet were ignored.