Pick up was never about sex and seduction, it was about insecure men trying to stop being insecure. 
Let’s get this straight, there is nothing wrong with a man who wants to meet women.  There is nothing wrong with a man who wants to have a sex life that he has never experienced.  There is nothing wrong with sex, there is nothing wrong with learning a skill to meet women and have sex, but there is something wrong with pick up and the culture it has become.


So what is the difference?
Well there is a lot; however, when it comes down to is Pick Up evolved into a culture very early on that was based on insecurity.  It was based on men feeling they were not good enough.  They were starved and wanted to fulfill their hunger.  When you are starving and malnourished what you think is success is to not feel pain, hunger and confusion.  When you are in deficit mentally, emotionally, sexually and socially you just want what you think looks good, you want the pain to stop.  You want the loneliness to stop.   What looks good are ‘cool people’, ‘high value people’ and what the culture values.   Pick up is an insecure man’s view on how not to stay in pain.


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On my journey (and on all the men I know who have worked to become a better man, live a sexual life and become a socially healthy person)  I started to have relationships, sex, connections with people and build friendships.  I immediately noticed I was fulfilled by something different than what the PUA industry guarantees.  Success happiness and fulfillment with sex in reality was very different than what the hunger mindset said.   Getting more, having more and owning more wasn’t the language of being social or sexual.  It was the language of starvation.


To put things in perspective, in my life now, my sex drive may say I want sex in some excessive ways than my normal state, but if I can learn to communicate to the core urge and not to what culture and society says, then I can be fulfilled.  If I’m doing a gang bang because I’m supposed to or I am desperate then that is dysfunction.  If I’m doing a gang bang because I enjoy that as a true sexual expression, then I can be healthy.   You might be thinking, gang bangs are not healthy…well, think of it this way, I lived the distortion and learned the beautiful language of sex and seduction in the distortion.   I learned to be healthy in the distortion.
I can say that I have been ‘sexually healthy’ while living many different sexual lifestyles – relationships, promiscuity and monogamy.  It was more about following my god given urge physically, emotionally and mentally than anything else.  Pick up doesn’t teach you that.


This brings us to the implosion.
When I see the PUA industry I see 2 groups of people.


The Malnourished 
The Nourished


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(See the case studies here)
This is anyone in the PUA scene that still believes in Social Value, a skill that overrides human choice and an image that is needed to look better than theirs.  Bottom line if you think that being something you’re not to get a result that is supposed to make you happy, you’re on the road to mental illness.


Let’s put this into context –

If you’re a PUA or even an MPUA and your life is still about holding an image of alpha masculinity (the warrior, the leader, the alpha), or you think making yourself look good by showing that you’re better than other people then you are not being yourself and you cannot have a relationship.  If you think a skill, or learning a skill will be more powerful than expression, connection and someone influencing you then you will only end up confused and frustrated with life, love and sex.


PUAs that get really into approaching as a technique have proven that in about a year they can ‘open a set’ but will have no friends (unless they’re obsessively into pick up), they will have less emotional range.  Most of them will still not be having sex with women, but the few that do will only hate women and see them as objects.


When it comes to guys who instruct this is much worse and the problems are far more dramatic.  I have included a few case studies down below of people I have kept anonymous.  Gossip is a shitty way to communicate.  This is only meant as information.


This is what will implode.  These are the guys that will ultimately live a life of frustration and pain, blindly pushing a button that gives them less and less.  For the MPUAs that live this lifestyle they will publicly melt down.   They have had too much success and validation to keep them from realizing that no matter how cool they are, no matter how much validation they have nothing.  Only an undeniable ‘bottom’ will make sense to them.  Just do a google search of some of the most popular guys, what do you see?


You see a good front, based on what a man is supposed to me, what culture says is good and them talking about techniques that work.  But what are their lives like?  I can’t throw anyone under the bus, but I can tell you this I know pretty much everyone.  If I don’t know a professional PUA coach in this industry it is because you’re too new, or for some reason you don’t like me.  That being said I know very few who have their lives together, however on the outside they look like gold.


What will end up happening is in the near future you will see these guys try harder and harder, promote the lie more and more extreme.  Front the value in such ridiculous ways and when the money doesn’t come, the girls leave over and over again and the validation stops doing it’s job of camouflaging how fucked their lives are, they will do what crazy and starving people do, go to war with themselves and everything around them.


I can tell you this, most good PUA coaches are crazy, including myself.  But few are honest.  Few to none show failure or weakness, unless it is a tool of vulnerability, which is dishonesty.  You have got to be real if you expect realty to not break you.



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These are guys who are good with women.  Seducers as Jason Savage would call them.  They are guys who have been in the PUA scene and come out the other end.  They may have not even gone through it.  In fact I found most of my sexual health through talking to sex addicts, people who came out of the other end of the porn industry and guys I know that were good with women and found happy lifestyle.   For the recovering PUAs this can be a really frustrating time – it was for me.  Who could I talk to about real life?  Hypnotica, Zan…7 or 8 years ago there were only Malnourished men teaching this stuff (at least that I knew).  For me it came from my friends in porn and those who were recovering addicts to blow sanity in my life and learn to live socially and sexually healthy.


I knew sex was good, women were good and my excessive sexual behavior was good but I couldn’t articulate it.

It is simple, if you can be who you are in all your communications and connections you know what it means to be socially and sexually healthy.  You know the beauty of seduction.  You start to realize that society puts odd rules on to sex because it is so powerful.  You start to realize this has been happening in all societies.  In our society we are repressed sexually.  We sell it, we have it, but we don’t know how to speak it as a fluid language.  A lot confuses us.  Pick up, was just a reaction to the distortion we live in.  I say this without trying to promote victimization.  No solution can come from that.


For myself and the many coaches that aren’t as ‘cool’ or ‘famous’ I can say there is a consistent message of ‘sex is good’, and be yourself.  There are no rules, you make them.


Now one thing I will say is this side of the industry is still forming.  There is a large group of ‘idealist’ who don’t have a set of skills to teach step by step.  Then there are recovering PUA dudes (like me), we teach a high level of skill set, but have trouble connecting sex to all the great virtues of humanity.  This takes time.  In 2009 I gave a speech about this at the 21 Convention it wasn’t until 2011 that I really started feeling comfortable with this.   Right now there is a divide within the coaches leading this way.   The idealist need structure and the recovering PUAs need to expand their thoughts.


This is the foundation of TSL and what I believe in – Theory to application.  However, I truly believe that to think I have come up with THE FORMULA is exactly what is wrong with the scene.  This is why I have the podcast, this is why I also talk with other people about sex.  This is why I am involved with The 21 Convention.  Sex and seduction and all its benefits is less in me, than it is within a group of people talking and being honest about sex.  Sex isn’t meant to be dictated, it is meat to be had and exchanged.  This is another problem that fits in to the Malnourished’s Image they need to maintain.  I get it, I am a coach, people want to get direction from me.  But if I can’t be honest and get direction too then I am living in disconnect and scarcity.  I am at most a fan of sex, socializing and seduction.  What people pay me for are the programs I have created and my time I work.  What makes TSL work is not my authority but how open we are.  In the past 8 years of being in business we have created a massive international men’s group that meets almost everyday of the week where I participate on. Sadly no one else has done this.  Serving the dollar is much different than serving the solution.


I see in the future of sex and socializing, a forum or community where men and women can be a part of various groups where there isn’t an authority, or heavy set of rules.  Honesty and exchange is the standard, sex and empathy are the language.  That is the key.  To be a better man or women we need to stop thinking we have it all figured out.  There is no ‘absolute’.  If there is one thing I know about sex and relationships, it is that they change you.  They change you because they change.  Why would you put your force of nature and birthright in a box?  Why would you put you in a prison?   There is no set way, there is no absolute, and this is what makes it so good.


Sex to me is our nature
To have empathy is our nature.
This is our truth.
We need to stop telling a lie to speak the truth.


Steve Mayeda

Questions or Comments
Shoot em my way – Steve@theSexualLife.com Or just write them in the ‘comments’ section

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