By Steve Mayeda
In 2012, shortly after this article was written I gave a above speech on this at the 21 Convention in Melbourne Australia.
For a long time I have wanted to write an article about the 5 things that have changed my life. I have started it and abandoned it many times.
This article is much more important, because it is 5 things you can do right now no matter where you are, who you are or what your background is. These 5 things will give your life more meaning, happiness and will make you the most positive and productive you have been in years.
All 5 are simple things you can do daily, in any situation and environment. As long as there are people around, you should be good. If you’re involved in our Online Program – TSL Online you know of them as the TSL Daily Maintenance.
- Morning Meditation
- Be Social
- Be Sexual
- End the day Grateful and Filled with Purpose
You might be thinking, “What do these things have to do with ‘Living the Sexual Life’? How will they make me happier?” They have everything to do with living the Sexual Life, and everything to do with being the best expression of yourself you can imagine. Believe me, for years I resisted them…once I started doing them, I realized they had so little effort involved and they’re all good things to do – why not do them?
Being Sexual or Being Social means to exchange with people. If we are going to build the best connections, sex partners, social circles, lifestyles and experiences we need to be our best selves. Cultivating the best self is an absolute.
If you want ‘10s’ in your life the best thing you can do is be a ‘10’ yourself.
You need to be your best to not only attract but maintain, cultivate and keep what is best for you.
Also when you are clear you will find that there is no longer an illusion to connection, intention and expression of self. You become fluid, you won’t have to be anything but you.
Aside from the results you will get with your Sexual Life all of these actions are just good things to do.
These actions have helped in massive ways. They have made me the happiest and most content I have been in years. I begin doing them and seeking them out first in my Sexual Life, but they have proven to be the foundation for my entire life – internal happiness and how I relate with the outside world.
I try my best to do them daily – but we can’t always be perfect.
1 – Morning Meditation
Simply take some time to think about how you want your day to go. Clear your mind and make sure your purpose is in order.
For years I skipped over this suggestion myself. It almost sounds too easy, ‘How is this going to change my life?’
I credit this simple action to having some of the most influence on my life. It allowed my perspective and purpose to have clarity and act in the right mindset.
In my relationships, martial arts, business or simply being happy and productive, meditation keeps me balanced. I no longer need to start my day filled with anxiety, negativity or laziness. A simple action that gives dramatic results.
How do you meditate?
If you’re not familiar with meditation that is fine. When I started doing this I was terrible at it. You can choose to simply sit still for 5 minutes and let your mind wander, take a walk, practice a breathing exercise or simply write for a few minutes.
I notice that a few key factors help me with meditation –
1) Try and clear my mind (believe me, it runs, but I try and acknowledge the thoughts and let them pass)
2) Focus on Breathing – this allows me to focus on a basic human function and relax. If my mind is too anxious I will only focus on my breathing, whether I am walking or sitting in meditation.
3) Purpose – Whatever your purpose is try and allow your meditation to serve that. I simply keep in mind before and after my meditation, “Is this making me a better human being?” I keep my mind clear but the over all purpose of my life is to be the best expression of myself as a human being in every moment.
4) It is always good – No matter how focused or unfocused my meditation is the key is that I do it daily. Many times I get very deep and filled with insights, other times I can feel nothing and have my mind run the whole time, and often times I simply am just calm. The key is that I cannot be obsessed with ‘getting’ anything. I must simply be for a few minutes.
There are no rules to your morning meditation, it should 100% be defined by you as to how you are going to start your day off right.
2 – Giving
As soon as the word ‘giving’ comes up in my mind I think donation and sacrifice. Giving has nothing to do with either of these. It can be a part of donations or sacrificing but when we are only doing that we are missing the point of giving.
By giving we are doing something for someone else without the idea of expectation or result. We are just doing it to do it. Also we are not sharing, we are giving. (Of course there is nothing wrong with sharing but we are giving without expectation.)
Simply opening a door for someone, doing a simple favor or talking to someone in need is equal to and often more personal than blindly giving someone an item or money. Our act of giving should be personal.
The key to giving is that we put ourselves in the human dynamic by doing this. We become social, and in touch with the spirit and emotion around us.
What I have found is that when I am in the action of giving I have an awareness of humanity. I have insight as to who I am and my connection to the world around me. In my life I am wrapped up in the ‘American Culture’ of consumption, this exercise brings me closer to the world around me and the unique humanity in everyone around me.
3 – Be Social
If there is one way for us to find out who we are and be authentic, it is to be social. To be social means we don’t need a detached technique or tactic of social dynamics, it means we share and exchange with someone. If we are truly socializing with someone we can find our real selves in the interaction. There is no exercise to be an ‘authentic’ man or woman, but being social will put you in a mode of being authentic. When you openly interact with someone, it is impossible to not be authentic.
We can shake someone’s hand and ask them how there day is, or we can strike up a conversations.
Often times in ‘social dynamics’ we are thinking of a result in mind to make ourselves social in the ‘right’ ways. However here we are not interested in a result other than trying to talk to another human being (man, woman, attractive or not attractive). There is no expected response.
When we start talking to someone, no matter what our level of social skills is, we briefly explore further who we are.
How this worked for me –
Years ago this changed everything for me. In July of 2008 I was considered one of the best Pick Up Artists in the world. I had a ton of social skills and sexual skills to ‘get’ an interaction with someone, but I wasn’t simply connecting. I had many sexual experiences but not enough meaning.
My friend Justin suggested, “just be honest with people”.
“Tell them how your day is…if you’re having a bad day tell them about it. Stop trying to get them to do something and just enjoy talking to people.”
I started doing what he suggested that day and haven’t stopped. In fact for years I considered this my daily meditation, simply openly talking to another human being. This not only gave me a connection and unity with people around me, but it revolutionized my sexual life. I could connect, sense someone’s sexuality better, and after a while all of my sexual interactions became fulfilling and based on connection and exchange.
The funny thing is in ‘PUA’ terms it was faster at seduction than a simple tactic. But truly it changed the way I think and created a massive circle of friends all over the world.
4 -Be Sexual
Human beings were meant to be sexual and if we are not then we are consumed with frustration and confusion.
However you might be thinking, “How can I be sexual everyday, if I don’t have a partner or an outlet?”
First off don’t see this a technique. See it as an experience you are trying to achieve. There is no expectation of the person liking you back. In fact in terms of masculinity and self respect, only taking actions to achieve a result is one of the least self-respecting and masculine things you can do. A man needs to show up and be himself. A sexual man. A sexual man needs less of a line or routine so long as he is willing to be his sexual self in front of a woman. All the ‘game’ in the world means nothing if you’re still afraid of being intimate with a woman.
The same goes for a woman being sexual. She needs to show up and be sexual rather than doing something to compensate. Hot dress, good presentation and good game but still fearing her the intimate exchange with another man means no sexuality.
Being sexual means we are ‘exchanging intimately’ with another human being. It also means that if we are sexual then we are only responsible for showing intent and offering a way for that other person to exchange.
For a situation or 2 people to be sexual, there needs to be an intimate exchange, but if I want to be sexual there are a few things I can do to assert my sexuality –
1) Show intent – “You look attractive and wanted to let you know.”
2) Allow that person to interact back – “I was wondering how your day is going…”
It’s pretty simple.
The problem is that when we think we need to be more than a man who wants a woman or vice versa. We fear the presence and experience of being a sexual being. We assert ourselves with insecurities and by holding on to techniques so that we can get someone to be ‘attracted’ to us. As a result we don’t attract the true sexual nature of the opposite sex, we attract equal insecurities from another person.
If you’re a man and you want to get better with women, one of the fundamental things you need to do is get used to being sexual. Talk to women and express that you want them without expected result.
Tell a woman who is attractive that she is attractive. There is no game. There is no strategy. Get in touch with your drive as a sexual man.
The same goes for a woman. Rather than getting caught up in ‘how you’re supposed to be treated’ and trying to make rules for a game that doesn’t exist, just be a sexual woman. Allow men to want you, allow men to see you and be attracted and sexually turned on by you. It is your job as a woman to choose, allure and be feminine.
The more we express with a façade of sexuality the more we will be having sex without being sexual.
5 – Gratitude
Everyone is different with this.
For myself this was the final piece of the puzzle.
I had heard about gratitude and purpose for many years.
I had heard of people ending the day with a gratitude list and thought it was a good idea but never thought it would do me much good.
I had considered myself a purpose driven person for many years but never did I give my purpose that true internal attention it deserved.
Some people might lay in bed and meditate at the end of the night.
Others might read a book that serve these feelings.
For myself, I do simply this…
I spend a few minutes writing about my day in how I accomplished those 4 previous things. Many days 1 or 2 of them are blank – the goal is not perfection, and that’s a good thing for me. The goal is consistency.
After I have written about my Morning Meditation, Giving, Being Social and Being Sexual I simply write what I am grateful for.
There is no right or wrong way to do this. You just need to do it.
More often than not my gratitude is always simple.
I am grateful to have a clear mind right now.
I am grateful to have the food I ate.
I am grateful to have the freedom I have in my life and work.
No matter how bad my bad has been, I can always find the gratitude in the life around me. When you can find that gratitude then the world around you becomes clear. You can move into your natural state. Your natural state isn’t happiness, your natural state is exactly how you are in that moment where you have no attachment. It is what is felt in that moment.
Once I am done with my gratitude list I then write about how my purpose was served today. This can also be done with meditation.
For instance my purpose is to live my best life, be the best human I can be.
Writing about this brings clarity to all of my day’s struggles. It separates my ego, ambition and true self.
If I have been training martial arts and pushing myself to accomplish a specific move, or training hard to fight I can get caught in the mode of needing to push, drive and invoke my will to go above and beyond. In business if I need to make sales, create product or write an article like this one I might need to do more than the usual, I must do my best…these actions, might all be necessary and good, but they cloud my true purpose.
When spending just 2 or 3 minutes writing about what give me meaning I can give those actions earlier in the day more guidance and meaning. The next day when I am living life and a part of the world that challenges me I can bring myself back in touch with who I really am.
One thing that fighting has taught me is the closer I come to making my expression of that martial art an expression of self the more I will honor that martial art. That is the essence of JKD and BJJ. Both of them are exactly what they are but dependent upon you.
They hold their own definition; however, your body, speed, pace, style, advantages and disadvantages make them purely exist in you.
Seduction is exactly the same. An intimate exchange, a sexual act between 2 or more people. It can take on many forms, but to truly be seduction it is dependent on that expression of who you are.
The true self lies in a relaxed self. We can relax with being grateful, and we can give meaning to our actions by knowing, honoring and cultivating our purpose.
All people are different and we all experience different levels of happiness.
The goals in these exercises are not to achieve or get anything, but to live an open and total life. This means you will be able able to accept your situations and live as yourself rather than always trying to be something you’re not. This is freedom.
In the life I live today I am still human. I get confused, angry, sad and also feel joy, but the true gift is that when I feel those things it is truly me.
The sadness passes quick, the anger comes less and less and the clarity over shadows the confusion.
The Sexual Life means living in pure expression of ones self.
There is no compensation for lack of authenticity, because living the Sexual Life means there is always something beautiful about the moment you’re feeling in life right now, we just have to work to see it.