Somewhere around 5 years ago I became a father.
It was a pretty amazing day.
I remember the first week or so I found out I was possibly going to be a father (didn’t know it was mine at first)
I remember sitting at the Black Dog Tavern in Fort Worth getting wasted off of my ass. A bunch of other estranged fathers (equally if not more wasted than I) drunkenly telling me…
“Its gonna change you man…its gonna change you”
This is the only piece of advice that drunk people in a bar give you when you tell them you’re gonna be an unexpected father. I remember they all had this drunken smirk on their face like I was on my way to transforming into a butterfly. They had this huge sense of pride.
I didn’t feel that pride, I felt shame. That pride would come later, but at that moment I couldn’t see that.
The honors of fatherhood from the wisdom of drunks,
It doesn’t get any better than that…
Before my son was born I stopped drinking stopped getting high.
I had done this many times in my life, but this time it was pretty necessary.
Baby or no baby it needed to happen.
Other than the physical deterioration of my body, things really started getting bad. The real consequences of drug use hardly have to do with anything physical (at least for me). It is always more about the mental and emotional suffocation.
When your life is to live in oblivion, reality is like a shame sitting over your head. A dark cloud you’d rather not see. Dope sick, disease, dead friends, rape, murder…that stuff only means something when you’re not fucked up for a while. When your getting high, drunk or whatever and you can’t even feel it anymore, now that sucks. Sad but true.
When I had quit all the drugs and booze
Friends started to drop off. It is like this club you’re in kinda shuts its doors on you.
I remember this most with my band. My best friend Nick was in this band.
I played a show with them right when I stopped using (ended up being my last show with them) in fact hey never told me they never officially gave me the boot, they just stopped talking to me. This is always a sign of quality people in your life, then again I definitely deserved them being pissed. My friend Nick never really talked to me after that. What goes on in a junky’s head is more confusion than reality. Who knows why he never talked to me again, but I definitely understand it.
That last show was at my house with Vena Cava (Pretty awesome San Diego band) they were on the road to play the Fest in Gainesville…this is one of the coolest music festivals in existence if you’re in to DIY bands (Do It Yourself).
A month and a few days later my son was born.
(At the first sight it was pretty obvious he was mine)
It was amazing. I never wanted to be a father. I was always one of those people that said they never wanted kids.
He was such a peaceful baby. He was happy the moment he was born. I remember the nights in the hospital he was released. I am actually wearing the same jacket as I write this that I was wearing those nights in the hospital.
I would joke around with his mother while holding him acting like I was losing balance and having her freak out. He just slept quietly. Although she changed his diaper many more times than me in the long run, I was the first to change his diaper.
As time went on things got pretty crazy with her and I. It got pretty bad. You always hear stories about people with kids getting crazy and say that things will never be like that…then they do.
One of my personal favorites was when being sued a few years ago by a PUA company the opposing party would boast about how they were in communication with the mother of my kids…
My take on this was always “go ahead, get ‘loud’ with it. It will make you guys look bad”.
What are they’re gonna say, ‘I am a bad dad’ or ‘how my ex is pissed at me’? When it comes to my kids, they’re the only ones who can really judge me. I’d rather leave it up to them than some guy that probably has that same dark cloud of reality hanging over his head I know so well.
What people attack you with is the exact same thing they fear most. Fear feeds fear and shame feeds shame.
When people talk shit, I care but I really don’t care. Reality is what’s in front of you not an opinion. I am still human, things affect me just as much as anyone else.
I just don’t hold on to it too long. You gotta let that shit go, it doesn’t go anywhere. There is no solution in Shame, Anger or Fear.
All of the above is experience.
It is part of my life.
Many of these experiences were really terrible, humiliating, humbling and so on. Many were great too.
As I continue to write, you’ll get to hear a lot of details that have helped shape (and continue to shape my beliefs)
When it comes to life there is no better teacher than experience.
People forget that.
The PUA Industry and its fucked up culture rejects experience.
It is an Industry that teaches you to hide.
The whole Industry is a result of the Quick Fix culture.
The Industry exists cause we made it.
We look for the answer, and expect it to be easy. We fed it, we made it fat.
What is it that we wanted so bad that the emptiness of this Industry was the result.
The Industry wants to sell you, redefine you and when it is done with you it doesn’t care whether you have improved anything about your life…I honestly don’t know what it cares about.
But it doesn’t care about you.
It seems like everything you read these days is something like
“How to live life with no bad days”
Fuck that shit…and the people who preach it.
No bad days isn’t life, its something else.
Everything that I have come to value, and the tings that give me value have to do with those bad days. Those bad days, if I can be wise and learn from them are what give me happiness today.
Today, I have bad days. I do stupid shit, I have plenty of defects.
You hold a magnifying glass to me and you’ll see plenty of bullshit.
But today if shit goes wrong I have faith that things will work out. It always has, and shit has gotten really bad…at least in my head.
No matter how bad it gets, it always works out.
Today I get the opportunity to fail, connect, get rejected, be sexual with people cause I can be myself.
When it comes down to it, to live the Sexual Life it has more to do with
Being proud of your life and yourself.
There are 2 things that catalyze happiness and fulfillment to all the crap you learn in the PUA or Seduction Industry (things the industry always seems to forget) –
– Being Proud of who you are (even those bad days)
– Appreciating the women
The reason why happiness and fulfillment show so little of themselves in the Industry is its platform for its techniques and systems is to sell. There is no purpose behind that. It has nothing to do with you and the things you desire…women.
If you’re not being you, you will only learn to hate ‘you’. Who you are and why people like you is because you know how to hide yourself.
If you’re only looking for a ‘result’ from a woman, you will forget that all you wanted in the first place was to ‘feel’ with a woman. Even if that feeling is purely carnal without it you’ll be left with an empty action. Sex will be like masturbation, but instead there is a body you’re masturbating with. It kills the beauty of it all.
That need for the ‘result’ with a woman will define you to hate women. And just think if you fuck what you hate what does that make you?
Life, Sex and Seduction are gods that are bigger than you. I love them.
I love them in all sorts of ways.
But there is something to be said about things that are ‘greater’ than you.
If you don’t humble yourself by recognizing powers greater than yourself and humbling yourself to them you are setting yourself up to be humiliated by them.
Why isn’t their pride in who you are in the PUA/Seduction Industry?
Why can’t you love women and have a Sexual Life?
That’s the real illusion