*Dec 26th – Saint Stephen’s Day…I am no saint, nor was I stoned to death. But never say never*
At Birth –
I was born a failure.
When my grandfather read my name on the birth certificate he had made up his mind.
My middle name was Addison, and that was enough.
When he was a boy his father used to abuse him in all sorts of ways.
His father’s name was Addison.
When my grandfather was 15 years old he ran away from home.
His older brother ended up finding him, and instead of sending him back home, he decided to help him.
My grandfather was good at drawing and ended up meeting this other artist, Walt.
Walt started a company and named it after himself, Walt Disney.
My grandfather was one of his first artists.
Now when you see a movie they list everyone in the credits.
However the first movie that this was done for was The Godfather, mainly because Francis Ford Coppola went through hell getting that movie made. During almost the entire shoot a complete separate crew and cast was there ready to replace him. Coppola appreciated his cast and crew so much he put them all on the credits at the end of the movie.
That was 1972.
My grandfather was one of the few people who made the credits in every Disney movie he worked on. That was in the 1930s.
My Grandfather was an amazing artist.
I never really knew why he didn’t like me, but I knew he didn’t.
He made it clear to but my mother and father also made this clear.
As time went on I felt inadequate in many ways. My mother and father both always seemed disappointed with me. They were pretty harsh.
“Why are you so stupid?”
“You’re going to grow up to be a drunk driver.”
“What’s wrong with you, why are you making us look bad as a family?”
I remember all these things being said as a young boy.
I remember being rejected throughout my life and feeling the same thing that I felt when they said it years before.
Like any young kid,you feel pretty bad, especially when you don’t have many friends yet, you just have your family…and they’re saying it.
After my grandfather passed away we later on found out his middle name was Addison, but he hid that name.
In Time –
Many years later my son was born.
When he was born he was happy.
He wasn’t anything more than a baby.
He was curious, he was ambitious, he was open to the world.
Even though I had lived a large amount of life in between the time I was born and that moment, and even though I had tried to prove myself over and over again, it wasn’t until that moment that I realized how absurd it would be to judge someone from a young age.
His middle name became Addison too, sort of my little joke.
My grandfather had many good qualities about him, but he also had some bad ones.
He was abused and although it is never talked about my mother was abusive in the same way he seemed to be, so I figure she was abused by him.
Too much control
Too much shame.
Then I ended up with that Shame and Control.
What becoming a father had me realize was those things I thought, like being destined to fail, were bullshit. You might think that makes no sense to think you’re a failure cause your family told you, but when you spend your life trying to prove you’re not one, somehow you feed that idea you still are.
When my son was born, I realized that there was no way I could look at him as a failure. I realized that what my grandfather thought and what my parents still think could have been a mistake.
My son taught me that we all come into this world with a pure breath.
When we start there is only good.
We are all very different. But we are also not born bad. All those things that can be bad can also be good.
It has so much more to do with how we think we are.
The good that I was born with gets filtered through me, my perception.
It doesn’t always come out ‘clean’.
I have failed over and over again in life. No mater how hard I succeed it is hard not to look at the failure.
I had to learn that I may not be responsible for what has happened in my life, but I am responsible for how we deal with it.
Beneath the Surface –
There are many things in my life that I have failed at.
Women is one of them.
It has nothing to do with women, and everything to do with me.
But with woman I see that side of me over and over again.
Trying to make sense out of something I am afraid of and also know nothing about.
People always talk about how to solve these issues. They have products on them.
The answer to defeating your shortcomings.
I have tried all of those things,
I have a different story, and I have had a solution in other things. By all means I am not perfect, but I don’t waste time with that stuff.
Somehow when I started getting intimate with women, whether it was
it really doesn’t matter. I noticed that things I hadn’t felt about myself in years came to the surface.
What is within you, that you never thought was there will being chiseling itself inside you. This isn’t always negative.
Connecting deeply with someone has a way of bringing parts of you that you have never even thought about up to the surface.
You’re going to be insecure about shit that you didn’t even know you were insecure about.
We are constantly hearing about things like Inner Game, and Confidence, Masculinity, Dominance and so on.
We also hear about some easy answers in how we are supposed to achieve them.
In my experience there has never been a quick fix to any of this.
Maybe I am a slow learner, but I only came to know things like Confidence, Masculinity and Inner Game through Experience. In reality my learning of those things had nothing to do with ‘mastering’, ‘conquering’, ‘crushing’, ‘banishing’ anything.
In fact the same things that brought be to the bottom, were the same things that told me I needed to be at the top.
Balance isn’t having equal amount of good things as you do bad, and being happy definitely doesn’t mean having more good things than bad.
Balance means being in the middle.
In order to balance you have got to get good at not having big deals, good and bad.
Be happy with what is in front of you.
I have learned this lesson, when I hear about my friends overdosing, getting murdered, having no money, having lots of money, having women, not having women.
Sure I got emotions, but the place to be is back at that balance.
No big deals.
Becoming the Failure
I entered the PUA/Seduction Community
wanting to get the women I wanted.
I mean there were always the ones I couldn’t get. I wanted them.
Then I learned pick up from guys that wanted to get laid. The Term SNL (Same Night Lay) was coined by Captain Jack, and I learned from him.
Sinn wanted to get as many SNLs as possible and that is what I did too.
And although I wanted to get the women I wanted to get,
I am pretty sexually motivated.
The mix of that and who I was around made me good at getting laid.
Then I started to talk to people in porn, guys that were pimps, and people that worked in the sex industry.
It fascinated me. They were much more interesting than the PUA instructors.
The PUA instructors really had nothing cool about them. It was so much of a front obsessed with ego.
Now people in porn, prostitutes and those on the true fringes of sexuality had the ‘cool’ flaws. Their fucked-up-ness I could relate with.
When it comes to sex – I wanted to do everything…
I wanted to have 3 somes, I wanted to have multiple long term girlfriends, so I read up on that.
One thing you almost notice about the Pick Up and Seduction Industry is that there is a ton of product that people theorized about in terms of sex and seduction.
And there was pretty much no product based on what people’s experiences with sex and seduction. In 2007 I would look up stuff on 3 somes and multiple relationships and for the most part I believed it.
It made sense…
Have 1 girl be dominant in a 3 some, she’s the main girl. Have one be subservient and so on. A lot of structure reference to value, how to be dominant.
It wasn’t till I made friends with guys that were outside of the industry that had 3 somes when I realized that in this industry people who wrote about 3 somes were pretty much full of shit.
This is kind of the PUA Industry, information that is designed to sell. Sell how to get laid to guys that don’t get laid. At that point everything seems like it makes sense. Maybe 1% of people will get to that iconic PUA level, but none that continue on that road will be –
-Good with women
-Have fulfilling Sexual lives
What I learned in terms of 3 somes really came from the California Pimp.
Get the chicks in the same room is a good start.
Convincing women that this is a good idea, or how bad they want this before you get them in the same room means nothing. They could be completely disinterested in the idea, and end in the same room with 1 guy and if the guy knows how to escalate the situation he can make it happen.
It also had nothing to do with 1 girl being favored. In fact making that happen would take all the fun out of a 3 some.
You don’t want to control 2 girls you want to set them free. You want them to enjoy getting each other off, getting you off, and you want enjoy getting them off. You want the experience.
When people have compliance or control being the center point of their ‘technique’ that usually means they have no control and experience.
It is the same as an anorexic girl giving advice on weight lose, she knows a lot about control. She knows a ton about how to control 1 thing about herself because she can’t control anything else.
Same thing with the Industry’s idea on multiple long-term relationships.
When I think of that concept now all I can think of to myself is
‘why would someone want that?’
If you’re not getting laid, any form of getting laid sounds really good. In fact why not make it more powerful? Have multiple women at once!
I can totally understand how one might want that sort of luxury and power with women and sex…
I know that cause boy did I try and make this one work.
In fact I can even say at this point that things like MLTRs (Multiple Long-term Relationships) only seem to work with 1 personality type. For the majority of people it can’t be maintained without compensating yourself.
You would think it is awesome, but in reality (and I tried to make this work for years in many different ways)
– It took a ton of time.
– There was always drama, not necessarily bad drama, but just 2,3 or 4 girls wanting some form of attention from you at once.
– Sexually you can get all fucked up, especially if you keep the girls separate, it is easier if they all know about each other and all have sex with each other including you. If you keep them separate you start to forget who likes what and your intimacy level becomes non-existent.
– You need to be a leader, be responsible in order to make all this stuff work. If you are having multiple women in your life you need to be responsible for them.
If you’re getting a lot of 3 somes and you are able to have MLTRs then you would think you would hear about stuff like this.
Everyone I know who has had these personally (usually not guys in this industry) all they do is comment on what a pain in the ass it is and how it makes them not value sex as much.
Why do you think that is?
We’ll get to that…
There are many Hells, but the one I know best is in my head
This is the experience…my experience
People are afraid of experience these days. They are afraid of pain, not cause they’re cowards, but cause the world we live in fears experience. Experience is more than just hell, it is a lot more than that.
Life isn’t according to plan, it is not meant to be. Nor is success.
We expect it to be.
Things like Sexuality and Socialization are not meant to be mapped out.
In fact the only time you are going to get anything consistent with them (like mapping it out) is when you allow yourself to get to know them.
Part of that allowing is going to be getting to know all those crazy things about yourself.
You want to get to know yourself and get caught up in the desire. You want to allow yourself to get swept away a bit. When it comes to Inner Game, Confidence, Dominance and all those things the Industry talks about you have got to Experience.
You need to have them take control of you, you need to have them be apart of you.
Stop trying to ‘Banish’, ‘Crush’, ‘Eliminate’ all that stuff.
Inner Game, and Confidence comes from knowing that stuff. Knowing when it is coming, knowing when it is building and knowing when to stop.
The problem is that we are sold over and over again on the idea that it is easy. We are not going to have pain. We can control and have everything.
The reason why the Industries of Pick Up and Seduction directly conflicts with true Seduction is because to Seduce has less to do with control and more to do with to allow.
So how the hell does that tie into me being born a failure?
It has everything do with it.
The more I started interacting with women and sharing myself with them (for better or worse) the more I realized how the impressions I had of myself shape every little encounter with women.
When I first started seducing women I felt that great feeling…I mean could get a girl, I could have sex with women!
But then if you continue on that path all that glitter starts to settle.
This happens pretty quick.
Once you start having sex with women consistently it doesn’t take long to realize that you are not just having sex with women…and as time goes on you’re having more sex with that ‘other thing’ than the woman you’re with,
until you’re completely having sex with those defect and the women are just tool.
It become like you’re masturbating with a human being. The worst is when the woman is actually something you had always wanted…but now she’s just a tool to fulfill your defects.
People never talk about this, but if I have sex with more than 4 different women in a month I feel it immediately. The crazy thing about me the solution isn’t to stop having sex but to continue and try and control something that is not meant to be controlled.
It is hard to see reality when you’re in this mode.
I have the urge, drive and desire to have sex, but as soon as it starts it starts to grow black inside me.
Here I am with what I always wanted in front of me and instead of the beauty that can be exchanged I am by myself.
I am alone.
I feel death within it.
I am not being dramatic about it at all. This is how it was.
I remember how this used to confuse me. There was a point in my life about 2 years ago when I seriously thought I would never be able to have good sex again.
I could get women to come, I could get women to say I was the best, I could get her to have sex with me and another women… I could get whatever I felt I needed so that I could feel good for one moment. It really had nothing to do with wanting or enjoying those things.
It took a long time for me to have good sex again.
There is a long process that I am in no way at the end of that has helped me be able to truly appreciate, enjoy and connect with sex. I take this very seriously now. I still can manage to ‘disrespect my sexuality’ but I do my best not to.
What I had to realize was all that shit I was afraid of I had to learn to be honest with. If I think I am a failure for whatever reason whether it is justified or not I need to learn to look at it and be honest with it. If I don’t it will be one of those things that will come up when I start getting intimate with a woman.
To thine own self be true…
(Polonius’s last piece of advice)
What is that? What does that mean?
What is Honesty, what is truth?
What is Personal Honesty…
As a culture we are obsessed with feeling good. We try and weight the scale tilting it so we can always feel good.
When I do this my reality starts to revolve around little moments that feel good rather than feeling good.
I determine how good I feel by comparing my good moments to bad moments. It never really works out.
There is is equality to the good and bad moments. None are better than the other.
They have the same value.
When I think of things in this way I can know what happiness is. I don’t own it, it comes, and it goes.
This is reality,
Truth is our interpretation of reality
Honesty is our interpretation of the Truth
Honesty is a very important thing,
personal honesty is even more important.
I can’t be honest when I am trying to conquer my fears,
that would imply that I have control over them, that would imply that I am too afraid to look at them. I would rather not see them.
In fact I truly hate it when I read ads within the PUA/Seduction Industry where they talk about somehow conquering the things you hate about yourself.
I am not talking about that.
When it comes down to it, I can convince myself for a day or so that I might not have certain fears, but ultimately they comes back.
Those deep defects might go away, but then something comes up….
In the theme of this article that theme is women… intimacy, sex, control and whatever else comes along.
The head of fear pops up again, the fear I banished. I try all the trick to make it go away, and sometimes no matter what I do it stares me in the face.
What I used to do was worship it, love it, be a slave to it.
That doesn’t work.
I also used to try and fight it, kill it destroy it, and if I win it still will come back once I defeat it…many times I couldn’t even do that.
The thing is when I try and control it, it just starts all over again in all sorts of other ways.
That’s the fucked up thing about the ‘experience’ (if one were to reference the idea of the ‘Innocence and the Experience’), you have to know that part of personal change is dependent on the ‘experience’ to pull stuff out of you.
The problem with the people selling the solution is that they sell you on fixing that stuff before it ever happens experience. Their solution fuels the fear.
That doesn’t work. That also doesn’t mean the experience is masochistic. It means that it is part of life and it is necessary. Wanting to ‘banish’ those things is to feed them with fear.
My defects I don’t hate…at times of desperation I might, and I do want to evolve out of them.
I need to realize they are bigger than me.
They are out of my control, in fact I need to realize that I am truly powerless to them rather than assuming I have power over them.
If you were to ask me today as I write this if I think I am a failure,
I would say ‘yes’.
And so what?
I could tell you 10-20 things today alone that I failed at. But this doesn’t mean that I have that fear controlling my life.
I also know there are so many things that allow me to put that fear and belief of failure in perspective. Rather than trying to prove myself and fight it I need to look at it.
I don’t hate my grandfather, I don’t hate my parents. I have spent a lot of time feeding that fear of failure based on them.
I may not always understand why they raised me the way they did, but I try to. I can also try and understand feeling like a failure.
You see my self perception is based on so many things, not just my middle name being Addison and my grandpa not liking me.
There is a whole orchestration of shit that makes that up.
Just like how I was saying I tried fighting it,
I tried running from it,
I tried managing it, controlling it…
Finally I really started to see it with women.
What my journey in the whole PUA/Seduction Industry has become is a pretty great thing.
It allowed me to see where I was hiding all that shit. It forced it to the surface no matter how insane it made me.
It took sex, a beautiful thing, and made me fear it hate it and need it.
So instead of running, fighting, and beating the things I hate about my life
I learned to look at them.
I learned to be comfortable with them in front of me, know they are bigger than me.
I learned that the more I fought them worse they became.
And guess what…
I have those much less in my life.
They still pop their heads up, but less and less.
More and more I live a more normal life.
I live a life that is still very sexual. But I do it cause I like it, cause I respect it.
The solution, the thing that keeps me sane and give me peace of mind is that same things that allows me to connect and feel intimacy with a woman…
It is the simple idea of just be able to be me.
No big deals
No need to be positive
No need to be negative
Honesty is just an interpretation of what I consider truth
I am sure I get it wrong all the time.
But can I just be?
Can I just be honesty?
If I can move towards that, then I can experience…
I can have that connection with a woman.
It might be carnal
It might be just for 1 night
It might be with multiple women at one time
It might be something you might think is completely insane
By all means I am no saint
Those things are unimportant
What is important is that I am wanting to do them because I like the experience with that woman.
I am doing something real.
I learn and redefine what it means to be me rather than trying to prove me to myself.
There are many hells, but the one I know best is in my head.
The same goes for peace,
cause the peace I know best is also in my head.