Aug. 30 2011 Bad Voslau, Austria

“There is not better feeling than the one when you first meet someone special.  This is when they say you get butterflies in your stomach.  This is better than any feeling you can get from anything else.  You only can feel it once.”

Julia told me this while sitting outside last night.

I had met Julia the last time I was in Austria, through Nina – whom I originally met while travelling in Mexico on Christmas…Long story

We were in the Austrian town of Baden (outside of Vienna), at the cafe outside the casino.

Austria is one of the most peaceful countries you can visit.

It is quiet, the air is cool.  Everything about it is calming.

Julia and I were talking about the different things people do to feel better.

Relationships

Sex

Love

&

Anything else that one can find outside of themselves to change how they feel

I was talking about things like drugs, sex, alcohol and whatever else I have used that has made me feel something other than reality.

I talk a lot about my relationship, how I fear I am not able to be loved or love someone fully.

I can meet every woman in the world, and yet the one I love I do not settle with.

The many things in life that we do to better our human experience will also destroy us if we try to control them.   This is our problem   Our culture has taken things that are so basic and fundamental (life, sex, socializing, eating, family) and turned them into confusion. It only makes sense when we live in nonsense.

We no longer eat, we consume We no longer have sex, we have porn or live in shame We no longer connect and communicate, we take, barter, trade and steal

When it comes to Seduction we see this in out obsession to control it. Women want to ‘look’ sexy, men want to be alpha, yet neither has a concept of either of these things.

It was about 3 years ago that I started to realize the worst sex I would have was always with the ‘hottest’ women.

Those ideal girls… the ones who are the icons of a sex starved culture.

The unhappiest people were the ones that did whatever they could to get what they wanted.   The people that were at the top and made it a point to show it.

The people that were the most toxic and alien people were the ones who prioritized ‘social value’.   This doesn’t mean people of beauty are not sexual, or that people that get what they want are unhappy people, but the people that have been the most fucked up, lost, confused and lonely were always the people who lived for excess. We all want to be at the top of an imaginary mountain rather than look at where we naturally stand. We want this because it make us ‘happy’ But happiness has less to do with being at the top and more to do with being where you stand.

It is funny, every night I can sit underneath the stars, looking up at the night sky. I can relax the world can become massive again. I can imagine how amazing it can be to simply be a human being, and share that with someone next to me… I can feel love without a need for it to be anything more than what it is and yet I don’t.

It is that desire for more The idea that I can take what’s mine Obsession with the things outside of myself Those are the things that keep butterfly’s wings from moving Those are the things that keep me from having that ‘one’ moment and tell me that I can manufacture my moments

It is nights like this that make me remember sometimes I just need to sit be someone underneath the stars, rather than the person trying to move them