Sex is Beautiful – Rape is a Crime
by Steve Mayeda
The Internet is a crazy place…
It brings us great amounts of information, but can distort it, commodity it and misrepresent it. It can take a great thing like sex, seduction, exchanging and sharing and turn it into an outlet for angry people wanting to make a point. It keeps us more distant when we can connect. Thanks to http://www.kickstarter.com/ – Some PUA Book and Some Feminist Groups there is a lot I gotta say….
Let’s start here –
#1 – Sex is a Beautiful thing.
There is no shame in it. Perhaps all the shame, secrecy and unwillingness (or inability) to be open about it is exactly why guys write books about it that might not full communicate how great it is. That same lack of openness is also what makes people attack it so irresponsibly.
#2 – The PUA (Pick Up Artist)/ Seduction and Dating Industries can be Immature.
Sex is beyond only being immature. The industries promote some pretty ridiculous stuff at times. It is a commercial industry. I believe it should broaden its horizons a bit, and not make sex always so immature, but give it time. It might say some over the top things, but I have never known it to condone rape.
#3 – The Misuse of the word ‘Rape’ to make a point is Irresponsible.
Not only irresponsible, but it negates, uses and exploits all victims of rape. Having some experience in working with rape victims, I find this claim offensive myself. I can only image for the actual victims.
- Sex is Beautiful
- Wanting to fulfill yourself sexually is Beautiful
- Talking to each other and desiring sex is Beautiful
- Being a Man that wants to meet better women is Beautiful
- Being a Woman that wants to meet better men is Beautiful
To me that was clear when I looked into the articles I was bombarded with today. People were emailing me non-stop about this Kickstarter PUA/Rape thing. My first instinct was ‘who cares’, but coming from someone who has not only worked with and been dramatically affected by rape, and being in the Seduction Industry – I had to say something.
Pick up can be immature, but calling techniques of escalation ‘rape’ is a terrible act.
The solution is to build a better connection and understanding of sex.
To the PUAs/Seducers and Dating Industry –
There is nothing wrong with sex, wanting to learn more about sex and learning how to live a sexually adventurous life.
I know for myself personally I entered into this whole thing as a Pick Up Artist. I got some sexual experience, I got a skill set of meeting women and I soon realized I didn’t’ want to be a PUA, I wanted to be a man that had a Great Sex Life. I had to work to make that life possible. Part of it was experimenting with relationships, women, and different ideas about having sex….believe me, I tried a lot of different avenues. There were women, relationships and types of sex I liked and didn’t like. There is no shame in that. Why, because sex is one of the ultimate acts of self-expression, communication and exchange. It is a language we need to learn how to speak that engages our Physical, Mental, Emotional and (if you want to believe in it) Spiritual self.
If you’re a guy that has come looking to the PUA, Dating and Seduction Industry for help, you should make the distinction that social skills and even sexual escalation skills are not necessarily ‘How to be Sexually Healthy Skills’. That only comes from experience, knowing yourself and others.
I would say, it would be nice to visit a website in the PUA/Seduction/Dating Industry that you felt good about pulling up on your browser and not something you would feel ashamed and secretive looking at it. PUA Industry Grow Up. Sex is beautiful, meeting women is beautiful. Being sexual with women is beautiful…teach that.
To the People Against the PUA/Seduction/Dating Industry
(I am afraid to say feminists because I know a lot of feminists that disagree with the other feminists…I can’t keep up)
The misuse of the word ‘Rape’ to prove a point is wrong. What an irresponsible and disgusting group of people using the ‘Crime of Rape’ to make their point. In the excerpts of the book, in the mentality of the PUA industry, and in its clientele base, never does it come close to encouraging rape. By my definition and the general culture’s definition, rape could be agreed upon as a ‘violent act to force sex upon someone that doesn’t want sex’.
From knowing many PUA/Seduction and Dating Coaches and having Thousands of Clients over the 7 years of teaching I have known ZERO men that have wanted to rape anyone. Many clients may not have known what they wanted sexually and many clients might have had some majorly distorted views on women and sex, but none wanted to rape any woman.
Read what has been written, look at what is being promoted, if you disagree with it express it, but don’t demonize something with crime. That is how hate and resentment grow and perpetuate. From what I know about sex, and from my experiences and being I only know sex are a beautiful thing. Rape, sexual control, violence is a separate act. Rape is not sex, nobody wants it. Nobody encourages it.
The Solution
Sex & Sexuality Being Understood
Let’s take a quick look at sex. Sex is a beautiful thing that both men and women partake in, in many different ways. They might have rough sex, they might have sex where they roll play a (consensually) rape fantasy, and some men might like to be pegged every now and again. The thing is that all those people’s sex acts are a part of their sexuality.
From my experience in dealing with clients about sex, sexuality and seduction most anger and resentment towards, sex, women or men has to do with their misunderstanding or exclusion of a good sex life.
In order for me to have a good sex life, have a good relationships and the sexual life I always wanted, I needed to change drastically as a man. My sex life started when I was 18. After losing my virginity, just 2 weeks later I was witness to having my girlfriend kidnapped, then gang-raped and thrown out of a car 25 miles away. My confusion and sex know me very well. My change in life and sexuality was not easy and it needed guidance. I can say for myself, there is a major need for men to express their sexual desires, urges and experiences. This is necessary to grow and evolve as a person. This is where the PUA, Seduction and Dating Industries need to step it up.
People should realize that when it comes to sex, it is a great thing. When we can engage and exchange with another person Psychologically, Physically and Emotionally it is powerful. If there is some conflict we feel because we are not used to speaking this new language we need to not react. We need to clear out our resentments. Learn that the road to a great sex life means getting better at being the best man or woman we can be. It means we need to express who we are and be willing to share.
And this greatness and beauty of sex cannot live, grow and come to fruition when we make a joke out of it and oversell it or when we irresponsibly criminalize it.
Be Social
Be Sexual
Live Life
Steve Mayeda
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Very interesting and thoughtful post. I can’t wait to see what the haters will say. There’s one more thought I’d like to add about rape: It’s a crime, not a boys vs. girls issue. I know several women who were raped by other women. Many women will flatly deny such a thing exists, and in fact they will put pressure on the victims to reframe their experience as something other than what it is.– a violent assault of one person against another.
Perhaps this is better said than me.
It’s not Boys vs Girls
Man it is like grade school never left us. Appreciate the insight man
We have all had bad sex. Occasionally it is very bad, disgusting, disturbing sex. You wake up the next morning and say I can’t beeelieve I did that! It is a normal part of the process, a natural part of exploration along the path to the ecstasy we all crave. The problem is when you begin to believe that you are not responsible for your own choices. Ask yourself this; Were you beaten? Threatened with a deadly weapon? Unconscious? Locked in? No? Then it was your own choices you are not able to take responsibility for, along with a likely underlying shame in your own sexuality. Keep exploring. Experience the good, the bad, and the ugly. Find your own path to the ecstasy that sexuality offers all of us.
Where is this kickstarter thing? I’m gonna kickstarter some ass.
Hahhahaha
I can’t wait till you Kickstarter someone’s ass!!!
I like this part:
“”If you’re a guy that has come looking to the PUA, Dating and Seduction Industry for help, you should make the distinction that social skills and even sexual escalation skills are not necessarily ‘How to be Sexually Healthy Skills’. That only comes from experience, knowing yourself and others.”
Men that are unskilled and needy usually start out with a “anything goes if I can get the pussy” attitude. Which is sort of understandable from a learning perspective.
But spreads a lot of bad karma out there (and also makes themselves jaded).
Perhaps I should write an article about that. I don’t like the exaggeration from the feminist side, but the PUA side needs to realize how easy they make it to be attacked too. There is nothing wrong with sex, so let’s talk about sex.
A lot of guys come in with real sex issues and they look to these pua dudes for a solution that just fucks them up more.
What’s that “Kickstarter PUA” thing all about, that was mentioned?
Probably better that you don’t know…but some PUA guy made a book and got it funded through Kickstarter and then these feminist groups started saying it was encouraging rape. At first I brushed it off, but man…I got sucked into the DRAMA!!! Hahahhaa
Haha! I’m for sure gonna stay out of that one!
Some people say rape can’t be funny…..I say sure it can…imagine Daffy Duck raping Porky Pig, now thats funny. -George Carlin
I like Patrice O’neal’s take on it all
Watch this…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjIuPSuYSOY
I read the kickstart article and I can see where the confusion misinterpretation can happen . As an aspiring writer/seducer I can see Ken Hoinsky’s point of view. There are times that you want to be sexually aggressive and LEAD not force. I think when he used the WORD FORCE to describe his sexual aggressiveness all a feminist sees is.
FORCE + SEX in the same sentence = RAPE
I also agree with Patrice O’neal’s point. Its about context and the world you live in.
If im at work and I put my cock in a coworkers hand then yes I would be expecting a sexual assult case.
Now If the same coworker and I where kissing under the sheets and I put my cock in her hand yes I FORCED the issue but she liked it and it was consentual.
A seducers comes from of a world of bedding women so FORCING the issue to a succefull lay is kudos to you 🙂
A feminist comes from a world of womens rights? so if she hears a story about a man (forcing+sex)=Rape
OK, here’s the skinny. The book text is here: http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1gkth6/above_the_game_part_9_giving_back_be_a_value_giver/ and here: http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1dvnem/above_the_game_part_7_physical_escalation_sex/ The author defends himself here: http://pastebin.com/zwHYzCZe
The author is well meaning, but he is a heavy handed hack as a writer and a 3rd rate seducer. Nevertheless, he does have the steps of the seduction process in right order.
This is what I posted;
A quote from the author of Above The Game: A Guide To Getting Awesome With Women – “The thing that the commenters on social media are leaving out is that the advice was taken from a section in the guide offering advice on what to do AFTER a man has met a cute girl, gotten her phone number, gone on dates, spent time getting to know her, and now are alone behind closed doors fooling around.
That cherry-picked advice, without that important context, makes it sound like I am advocating non-consensual sexual advances on strangers. I would absolutely never do such a thing.” From http://pastebin.com/zwHYzCZe
A quote from the book:
“IMPORTANT NOTE ON RESISTANCE:
If at any point a girl wants you to stop, she will let you know. If she says “STOP,” or “GET AWAY FROM ME,” or shoves you away, you know she is not interested. It happens. Stop escalating immediately and say this line:
“No problem. I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”
Memorize that line. It is your go-to when faced with resistance. Say it genuinely, without presumption. All master seducers are also masters at making women feel comfortable. You’ll be no different. If a woman isn’t comfortable, take a break and try again later.
All that matters is that you continue to try to escalate physically until she makes it genuinely clear that it’s not happening. She wants to be desired, but the circumstances need to be right. With some experience, you will learn to differentiate the “No, we can’t… my parents are in the next room… OMG FUCK ME FUCK ME HARD” from the “SERIOUSLY GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME, YOU CREEP” variety of resistance.
Of course if you’re really unclear, back off. Better safe than sorry.”
And you call that assault? Or is it just poor writing?
How is it then that single men and women manage to have sex? Women expect a man to take the initiative and make advances. Touch. Kiss. Back away. Repeat. Two steps forward, one step back. Isn’t that the dance of seduction that both men and women dream of?
If you are single, how do you manage to actually have a sex life without the courage to touch, kiss, and seduce? Or are you worried and afraid enough to do without?
Yes, he is a 3rd rate seducer and a poor writer, but that is no reason to get your panties in wad. I guarantee that the man of your dreams will use the same basic process he describes. Approach. Touch. Kiss. Back away. Repeat. Eventually, he will probably guide your hand to his erect cock. And you will swoon. This is how real sex happens. That is simply how sex and seduction works.
So you’ve got ask yourself, is it that you object to the writer’s lack of charm and grace? If so, then it is a matter of degree, a tempest in a teapot that does not nearly advocate rape or assault. Or do you just generally object to the realistic description of the natural process of seduction with single men and women trying the best they can to express their sexuality?
That was my post at: http://writingbytheseatofmypants.com/2013/06/21/kickstarter-funds-a-rape-manual-but-dont-worry-theyre-sorry/#comment-1312 and a slightly different version at: http://authorunpublished.wordpress.com/2013/06/20/when-kickstarter-funds-a-rape-manual/comment-page-1/#comment-751
Both of these women appear to write fantasy romance novels. Both of my comments are awaiting moderation. Let’s see if the have the nerve to post them. Go ahead girls, make my day.
Wow Jim,
I can see that this has clearly ruffled your feathers. It pissed me off too. I was no too worried about it at first but man, what a misinterpretation and misrepresentation. I hate that it is about a second rate PUA book as well. Anyway, good stuff man. I can only hope that people read it and have their mind’s enlightened a bit more
Steve
The fucked up thing is I had been wanting to read an erotic novel to get a feel for the genre and get insight on how authors write and get insight on what type of men women fantasize about. My female friend let me borrow her favorite erotic novel. As we all know women LOVE erotic novels and fantasize about the men they read about hoping they would come to life to spice up there ho hum lives.So I read the book it was good I was sucked into its world but as much as I was into the book I was SHOCKED on how the man would just TAKE the woman Borderline RAPE! As I was reading it even I was like damn buddy slow down.If anything this encouraged me to be more sexually aggressive than any other PUA Material I had ever heard or read. The thing is women love these types of books and to top it of it was written by a female author?!? HOW COME I DONT HEAR ANYBODY SCREAM RAPE????
Read “My Secret Garden” It was written by a feminist in the 60s I believe when feminism was really taking hold. She was ostracized by other feminist at the time for sharing what hers and many women like hers fantasies were regarding sex. It was the one book that really opened my eyes that women are sexual creatures too, and just as “dirty” as men like to be. The only real difference is they have centuries of cultural conditioning telling them it is bad that they feel that way, whereas men have just the opposite.
Brandon,
What is crazy is, someone just emailed me about the idea of ‘Romance Novels’. The first ‘My Secret Garden’ was revolutionary expressing a side of women most men hadn’t heard. The irony is these novels aren’t looked at as some promotion of rape or using women solely because their audience is women? What you read in romance novels is much closer to a sexual assault, but clearly not. It is portraying a great act between 2 people. I think anything that keeps us from communicating with each other is pretty much a bad thing.
As my very feminist friend, Jennifer Joy, said last night on FB – “Sex. Such an important part of our existence. Rarely discussed; mentioned, objectified, enjoyed, hated, but not discussed. So sad.”
http://www.kickstarter.com/blog/we-were-wrong?page=1#comments
I think we should start representing on the blog. This garbage “pussification of men” agenda calling Sex and Sexuality RAPE, taking things out of context and all this garbage – we need to stand up for whats right.
No one was trying to teach Rape. This is a hack job.