Life – the Experience
Seduction – the Process
Something needs to change…
I cannot do this anymore, not in this way. I cannot do this through the filter of the Industry.
Part of me feels sick and the other part of me feels full of life.
I am celebrating a death so to speak.
I am on a plane flying over the Atlantic.
I am out of balance
On one side of me there is confusion…
and on the other side I am full of clarity and life.
This is where things change, this is where moments of insight turn into movements.
I am coming back to the US from a trip through Europe.
It has been more of an experience, it has been gone beyond that.
But like all experiences they are meant to be felt in that moment.
As the days go that experience transitions to a memory.
I went to Europe for the 21 Convention,
made a trip to Austria, made a trip to Germany then London meeting some of the best people of my life, as well as confronting some of the things which have made me angry for the past few years.
For the past few years I have not posted as much on this blog because it has not had a proper voice. I have been struggling with how to articulate my feelings on my own evolution in Seduction and Life.
After 10 days of experiencing some of the best moments of my life in Austria and Germany I came to London and immersed myself into something that was lacking life – The Seduction Industry.
Sadly the 21 Convention is the only convention within the Seduction Industry that has branched out to something complete and now self-defining. I want this blog to follow the same path. I want to voice this through the idea of the Sexual Life.
The Sexual Life
What is Sexual?
What is Life?
2 of the most natural things,
Things that are already within us
Things that we can all relate with
Things that we can all share
And for some reason they elude us
In order to understand what I mean by this I want to structure these concepts and ideas…
To be Sexual means a combination of these 3 things
- Sex – the Act
- Seduction – the Process
- Sexuality – the Result
To live Life is also a combination of these 3 things
I have always liked sex.
Even before I ever came close to it, it meant something to me.
I would draw pictures of movie characters I like, fantasize and everything I have come to find a normal boy does.
I thought, like everyone that I was different and when my parents discovered this they also thought I was different.
It wasn’t until I was 18 that I actually had sex.
I had sex just to have it.
And although the process of seduction was still foreign to me I was taking my first steps towards it.
My sexuality – the result of my sex actions – was still at that point fear, insecurity and the incapability of being honest.
One day I will write about this whole experience, but we will save this for another post.
It wasn’t till many years later that I understood the meaning of Seduction.
That wasn’t until I was about 26. By then my Sexuality was full of anger confusion and no concept of exchange and honesty, but I knew I liked sex.
I had met a girl named Julia.
She worked with me at a restaurant.
The first night we got together was the day after my girlfriend at the time had cheated on me with my friend.
At the time I drinking a lot, playing music I did my last play that year too. I had a pretty huge theatre background.
I was loud, rowdy and it was no doubt that I was alive (wild and crazy) but I was still not living life.
Julia showed me how to make love.
I thought I had felt it before, but she truly showed it to me what it meant to have sex with me entirely. With Julia I exchanged, I learned to share my entire self with someone through the act of sex.
At the same time I held on to my girlfriend that had cheated on me as well. She cheated on my once,
I ended up cheating on her countless times after that.
But also through the act of sex I learned how to feel and exchange with her.
This scared me.
When you are sexual with someone you explore those levels of intimacy and connection where your entire being is challenged by it. You feel someone so deeply that you loss yourself in it.
It can scare you,
It can rattle you,
You either face it or you run.
I have had plenty of bad relationships with women, ones where I would say that I was a terrible partner.
But when there is love (what I felt with those 2 women) it brings something else out of you…especially when your sexuality is full of chaos and anger.
I have never been so mean in my life as I was to those 2 women.
When they tell me of it now I can’t believe that I had acted that way. I can’t even believe it was me.
And yet they loved me and I loved them.
Within that love
within that experience
I was afraid to feel
I was afraid to let them feel all of me. Maybe I would let them feel me sexually, but I wouldn’t let them feel my life. It was a great imbalance.
It was a lack of vulnerability. My fears of the intimacy that I would share outweighed my desire to connect.
My fears owned me.
I was so afraid to share myself, and so willing to fall in love with 2 people at the same time and not have any concept of how to be responsible for it.
This built who I was.
A boy that was trying to be a man. A boy that knew how to make love but not be in love.
A boy that dipped myself into love and couldn’t let go.
My desire to feel what was good and not care about the world that was being affected around it.
This is what a boy does…
There is nothing wrong with being confused, there is nothing wrong with being lost, but when you live by that confusion it will kill you.
You have no balance between being sexual
You have no balance in life.
If you have
Sex without Seduction
Seduction without Sexuality you live by fantasy.
Your acts of sex will never be you.
Looking back on all of this it took me so long to realize that being a man meant doing what was right even when you had no concept of what was right.
Being a man meant having the courage to act, but also be responsible for your actions.
At 28 I had been with 12 or 13 women. I was a father, and I found the Pick Up Artist community.
When I was 30 I had been with over 80 women. In fact I had lost count.
I had sex, but it was so distant from who I was. I had sex but I had no Sexuality.
I was in love with being falling in love, but didn’t know how to be in love.
I could seduce, I could get sex, I could get attention but I had no sense of intimacy.
I was in love with sex and an action, not an exchange.
In love with women but didn’t know how to make her feel like a woman because I did not know how to be a man.
I didn’t know what seduction really meant. I did not know it meant to exchange.
I didn’t realize that seduction was a woman’s game. I thought it was mine. I thought I could control it.
I was afraid to let myself go with a woman. I was afraid to feel.
When I say seduction is a woman’s game it means that it is the process appreciating a woman, chasing a woman, being allured by a woman.
As a man we never realize that if it were up to us, if we made the rules we would be grabbing women and carrying them away. Simply having our way with them and being done.
But as men we don’t want that.
We may fantasize about that, but what we want is for a woman to join us and complete us. We want to chase a woman, we want to take her and have her in our arms
have her in front of us feeling who we are
and when she has felt that she can decide she wants us.
This is what was missing in the PUA Industry for me. There was no answer for this.
The Seduction Industry has nothing to do with being a man, and everything to do with remaining a boy.
Get what you want but no need to feel
The answer to this came from a woman. I had met her 3 years ago.
We had sex, she seduced, we made love.
She relaxed me.
It was as if every woman I had slept with before had taken a piece of me with them whether I wanted to or not.
With this girl the same happened, but when we would see each other again I would have it returned to me.
I would see myself in another light. She taught me more about sex, seduction, sexuality and love than anyone before.
She defined my sexuality.
In those past 3 years I have tried to articulate and teach the path that woman had put me on. It has come out in all sorts of different ways.
When I speak of my dislike of the seduction industry it is more out of seeing it as incomplete more than anything else.
It has no answer, it has how to approach, how to make friends, how to look cool.
It is missing so many things, and misrepresenting even more.
But at its root it doesn’t show you how to be a man, it doesn’t show you how to be sexual, it doesn’t show you how to live life.
It is missing its purpose, it is missing the experience and it is missing its perspective.
I am leaving Europe back to Austin.
My heart has so many stories within it that I am taking back home with me. I know I need to write about them. I know I need to share them, at least for myself.
But that is the problem with memories. They fade, as time goes by they see less and less of that breath of life.
I guess that fear is still within me, I want to hold on. I want to hold on to what happened in those moments.
Sitting on a baloney in the Austrian countryside smoking a cigarette
Having a woman get to feel like a woman all over again
Standing next to a fire and listening to a man play guitar around frineds
Hitchhiking through Europe
Taking the train with my friend to Ausberg,
Staying up with my friend Dominik talking philosophy,
Getting to my friend Nina that she is a woman even though she probably didn’t listen,
I got to let another woman know sex was beautiful again,
Walking in the rain angry and cold through London only to have my friend Chris come and make me realize life is beautiful even when you’re wet.
This is the experience.
And many times I forget that the experience has so much to do with finding your purpose and living by it.
You need people for that,
you need connection for that.
You need to have that part of yourself that you’re willing to share even though you are afraid of the outcome.
I have done many things that have required courage, and I have also walked away in fear trying to forget
Life doesn’t work that way.
What The Sexual Life means to me is to live, to express, to be you and to truly assert who you are into the world,
and all you can do is accept what comes back.
Till next time,