In an Industry that is all about getting laid you never hear shit about Sex, Seduction or Sexuality…unless that industry is trying to sell you something. Then you constantly hear those words.
To me Sex, Seduction and Sexuality are like aspects of spirituality for me. They are pretty damn important. There is a lot that pisses me off about the PUA Industry, but forcing me to come to terms with the highs and lows of Sex is something that I am grateful for. I learned that in the PUA Industry…maybe not in the best ways, but in the long run it was worth it.
In this blog I am going to start writing about this.
I picked up the book ‘The Game’ in 2005 and a lot has happened since then. A lot of growing up has happened, and a lot is still happening.
In November of 2008 I was definitely searching.
I was on the road driving back from a pretty long road trip.
At one point I didn’t like travel that much. I didn’t like driving all over the country and into Mexico, and below….
But by this time I saw it as a meditation. I had already put 240, 000 miles on my 2003 Toyota Tacoma (when I bought it, it had 8 miles).
I had spent many a nights on the road with that truck.
I had been traveling with my girlfriend (if you can find a woman you can travel with…keep her. It is rare). I had dropped her off at the airport in Fort Lauderdale, drove down to the Florida Keys…
and was on my way back to Texas.
I suppose the reason why I was searching was because it was one of those times where I had just had a collapse of sorts.
Stuff just stopped working. Nothing worked, everything was broken.
A few month prior I had hit one of my many bottoms.
Drug overdoses, kidnappings, abuse…all sorts of shit. This time it wasn’t so dramatic, just self-hate, angry baby mamas, lawsuits and lots of sleazy people.
But bottoms are bottoms, nobody else can judge them, you kinda know when they happen. As they say, ‘A bottom is where you stop digging’
In about June/July of 2008 Everything was a mess.
When you’re searching and things aren’t completely fucked you might find a whole bunch of answers that lead in circles.
When things are fucked you are humble enough to find answers in pretty much anything.
In June of 2008 I met Jason, he hired me. He is also one of the many reasons why I say I learn more from my students they learn from me.
I could tell Jason was something I wasn’t…
He was happy.
It was hard to be around him. I mean when someone is happy and you’re not, it sucks to be around those people. But when you’re truly at a point of desperation it is easier to ask for help.
That is one thing that people never talk about.
They’re too afraid to show they’re human. It is always personal change is about some noble choice they made and that’s it, it is all good from there.
Don’t get me wrong, change is a beautiful thing, happy endings exist…
but real change, real life change always came from desperation…at least for me. It might noble in the end, but it started out with spit on it.
I remember when I was 19 and I heard some old man was talking about how he had a life where he was a down and out and managed to change his life for the better.
He said, “to me change isn’t about inspiration, it is about desperation. Once I realized that I could know what inspiration really is.”
I never forgot that.
I asked Jason to help me out. When I think about it I am really glad Jason hired me, he was gonna hire someone else and at the last minute he changed his mind. Thank god he did, or who knows where I would be.
I had adopted Jason as a sort of spiritual advisor. He lived in Atlanta, I lived in DFW.
In November 2008 I had already been working with Jason quite a bit.
Jason had told me about this guy Mel who lived in Alabama. Ted had been Jason’s mentor for many years. At the time I think something like 12 years.
I was on the Florida/Alabama boarder when I was on the phone with Jason.
“You’re almost in Alabama, you should give Mel a call. Just tell him you know me and he’ll take it from there”
He gave me Mel’s number, I pulled over at a restaurant, washed my face, washed my hands, got in my truck and punched the numbers in my phone.
The phone rings…
When you hear about someone you don’t know what to expect from them. You build up their persona in your head.
I had heard that Mel was this crazily obsessive guy, who was once a thief, and was from Chicago. He was a former junkie, he had kids…I heard his wife had been murdered all sorts of crazy shit.
The voicemail starts… (always a great feeling)
Instead of the gruff Chicago accent I had expected, it was this exuberantly happy voice telling me – “I hope you like talking to a machine, cause you are right now…”
I hate leaving voice messages.
I hear the beep.
“Hey, this is Steve…I know Justin, I am on I 10, just inside Alabama. Anyway…ahhh, call me back, I would like to meet you, but ahhh, well maybe I will see you…alright, bye.”
I hang up.
I start my truck, plug in my laptop to the adapter, see if this restaurant has WiFi set up.
My phone rings, caller ID says “Mel”.
the voice on the other end says in an overly excited tone, “Hey Steve, this is Mel. Where are you?”
I tell him, “At a restaurant off I 10, I am not sure what the mile marker is…”
“Have you passed Mobile?”
“No not yet”
He asks, “Well have you passed across the bay yet?”
“No I don’t think so”
“Well, you’d know if you did. Anyway Jason has told me a lot about you, he says you’re crazy, but in the good way. You should come by, if you stay a bit later we have this meditation group every Monday night.”
I tell him, “Yeah, definitely, Jason is always telling me about meditation, I used to do it when I was younger but I can’t do it anymore.”
“Well, let me give you directions…”
About an hour later I made it to his house.
A big open gate with 6 or 7 cars parked in what used to be a yard, but now driveway.
I got to the back porch, and there was a kid smoking a cigarette.
He was surrounded by empty fish tanks… he was cleaning them.
The kid was probably 16, he looked like a white gangster…some 16 year old wanna be gangster, you know the type…
The kid sticks out his hand smiles, introduces himself.
“Hey I am Adam, you a friend of Jason’s, he said someone was coming by.”
I say, “Hey I am Steve, how you doing?”
“Just happy to be alive man, just go on inside man, door is open.”
I open the door and see a house full of fish tanks (these ones were full, and had fish in them), and people.
A bunch of guys and girls woman…I think 5 or 6 of them.
A 50 year old bald guy with a gotee (maybe you could even call it a soul-patch) hobbles towards me with the most exuberant hobble I have ever seen.
“Hey, you must be Steve. That’s great you made it. How the hell are you…”
Before I can even say anything back he starts introducing me to everyone in the room.
“This is one of Jason’s guys, he lives in…” Mel pauses for a moment and asks me, “where do you live again? In Atlanta?”
“Yeah, Steve from DFW” Mel turns to me again, “What is it that you do again?”
This is always one of those weird questions, especially when you don’t know anybody there and there are women there.
“Ahhh I talk to people about dating, and….”
Mel interrupts, “Oh yeah you teach guys how to get laid, I remember…that’s great. You know if I were still young dumb and full of cum I’d be right there with you…that’s great. You’ll fit right in with this crowd.
Alright everybody this is Steve, Jason’s friend from DFW that teaches guys how to get laid. I think he’s gonna eat with us, hang out, maybe do our Monday night meditation… and maybe spend the night.”
Mel turns to me, “You know you’re welcome to spend the night here, we got plenty of space.”
Going to these PUA conventions I have had all sorts for crazy introductions – most of them awkward.
As bizarre and awkward as this one there is something odd to Mel and the presence of his house…it is like you’re always welcome.
You’re surrounded by a bunch of strangers, fish tanks and this 50 year old man hobbling around and it doesn’t matter who you are, what you do, you’re welcome. It was as if there was no judgment there. If Mel said you were alright, you were alright.
It was an odd mix of people. There was a guy that looked like some hippie musician.
Another guy that looked like he was 24 or 25 and had done some time. Another guy that looked about 40 and had listened too way too much industrial music, a lady in her 40s that just pleasantly smiles, and s girl who looked like she had seen the rough days of the punk scene and held on to it a bit too long.
These guys were all ‘social misfits’ in the cool kinda way.
Definitely not your typical mediation group.
The funny thing was they all seemed pretty damn happy.
Before anything else Mel told the group,
“Lets go get something to eat. Steve you ride with John and Eddie so you don’t get lost.”
John was the guy that looked like he had done some ‘time’ (he actually had). He was 24 had a military haircut and hard looking face. One of those dudes that was really welcoming, but in a serious sort of way.
Eddie, The hippie looking guy, turned out to be from New Orleans. He was a jazz musician that somehow ended up strung-out on smack in Alabama. They were 2 very different people, but somehow their dynamic made sense once you’re stuck in a car with them.
They both lived at Mel’s house and were cleaning up from drugs and whatever other stuff they had been up to.
John was a little bit more on the alpha side and Eddie was definitely more passive.
As soon as the car door shut, the conversation immediately went in the direction of women.
“Man, I don’t give a fuck anymore, I mean I just want to get laid.”
John who was definitely more on the ‘alpha’ side of things.
“Shit, you just need to not give a fuck. Women want to get laid just like you. You just believe all the bullshit that they say….”
John getting more riled up,
“See that is what the motherfucking problem is, guys listen to what women say and they think that they think that is going to get them more women. That’s the first thing guy need to do man, stop doing what women say and you’ll get more pussy. I mean if you like a girl all you need to know is how to say that you want to fuck her in a nice way, and soon enough you’ll be fucking her.”
It was safe to say John was somewhat of a natural.
I always like when natural guys break stuff down because it is pretty much right on, but to the guy without experience it makes NO sense.
Whenever I am around guys like John, I always think to myself…
“Jesus, I sound like such a fucking nerd breaking down – the ‘tools of seduction’.” You can easily forget, the end goal…you don’t want be a ‘pick up artist’ you want to become a ‘man’ that is good with women.
The guys eventually explained that Mel’s house was somewhat of a place where guys who wanted to straighten out their lives could find as a safe refuge.
If they seriously wanted to make some changes then they could come by, help him clean his fish tanks, talk philosophy, talk spirituality, meditate and do whatever other activities that might keep them moving on the right track.
You always hear about things like this, but you never really know if they exist or not.
The thing is that I have known they exist, when I was 17 to about 20 I was active in places like these.
But I also grew up. Lost my ideals a bit and had life shape me a little bit more on the pessimistic side of things.
It is almost like you forgot what humanity could be. I was too used to the shit storm that I built in front of me to see beyond it.
We ate, and got back to Mel’s house. The group picked up a few more people along the way, an older guy that had chronic pain in his back and another girl who was a bit too hot too be meditating in front of me. After a few minutes I found out that she was a former cocaine addict that had been clean for a year and some change and was a regular at the house.
When you think of a meditation group you think of a bunch of smiling yuppies way too into their new age rituals. These were no yuppies, nor would I call them ‘new age’. They were junkies, thieves, criminals and prositutes…the good kind of social misfits. Happy social misfits.
Mel told us to find a seat somewhere we could sit or lay for about 15mins.
“there is no one way to meditate but for now we will just try and stay quiet, if a thought comes to your mind let it in, let it pass. And it helps if your back is straight…Ok, everybody let’s start…”
The thing with meditation is that I used to do it a lot. When I was 10 I started meditating. Before there was a ‘self help’ section in the bookstore there was a ‘psychology’ section that had all sorts of books on mediation. It also had books on how to build your memory, how to love your inner child, Taoism, Zen Buddhism, and even how to have an out of body experience.
When everyone in the PUA industry got all into Ekart Tolle I was like…’Man I have read all that stuff already, but by better writers. I had read and listened to tons of Alan Watts, had stayed with Rinpoches from Tibet when they would come to Maui. I mean my aunt is a freaking Kahuna that went on a book tour with ‘his Holiness’.
When I was 10 to about 20 I could get to some pretty intense levels of meditation.
But for the past 8 or 10 years I hadn’t been able to quiet my mind like I used to. And tonight was no exception.
My head spun and spun as I sat there quietly. Minutes went by, I listened to other people breath, squirm around, get up to go to the bathroom…
I didn’t want to move, or anything. I was a visitor, I just tried to stay still and be respectful.
Mel eventually brought us out of it.
As the rest of the people all got up and moved around,
Mel sat there peacefully,
“You know you’re welcome to spend the night…”
“I think I am gonna hit the road, but thanks.”
“Well if you change your mind don’t be afraid to find a couch, I will put out some blankets and pillows. So what did you think of the meditation.”
“It was good I feel relaxed, but I used to be able to meditate really deep back when I was a kid. Now I can’t keep my mind from racing.”
Mel calm as could be interjected…
“You know there is one thing that kept me from sane in the first few years of getting off drugs and that was meditating. I mean I was nuts. You should have seen me. The mother of my kids and I were all fucked up.
We had 2 teenage boys, I was living working as a thief, both of us were constantly getting high moving from one place to another thinking everything was gonna change…nothing ever changed. “
Mel went in his calm manner
“The problem was never me it was always something else.
When my boys started using drugs their mother and I decided we needed to try and clean up. We didn’t really know what to do so we started to go to meetings and work with other groups and stuff like that. We both cleaned up our act a little bit, we were not that serious about it. When you’re in that deep changing everything is pretty hard to do. You might stop drinking, smoking speed, crack or whatever it is but then what do you do for work. All I knew how to do was rip people off, and sell drugs, I hadn’t had a real job in forever.
I was in my 40s, you can’t change things around that late in life.
I had managed to stay off drugs and booze for about 9 months and that is when Jason saved my ass.”
Mel got up and motioned for me to follow.
As he walked into his room he continued.
“I didn’t realize it but I was just hanging on by a thread.
When you’re trying to get clean, trying to live a new way of life it ain’t easy, you start hitting the same walls.
You might think, well if I stop using drugs, and drinking then things will get better…and they do, but you gotta change your lifestyle too.
You never think it is your lifestyle that’s getting you into trouble you think it is a string of bad luck. It is never your fault it is everything else’s.
That is where I was at when I was 9 months off the dope and booze just going through the motions trying to keep my kids clean, their mother decided to score some blow.
I mean the problem wasn’t me, it wasn’t her it was the kids.
She ended up getting murdered. The guys doing the deal killed her.
That was when everything about my life fell apart. I couldn’t hold on to any thing anymore. It was like I was completely defeated.
That’s when I knew everything had to change. I did whatever anyone told me to do. And at the time all I had been doing was dabbling with meditation and trying to help other people out who were just like me.
I remember Jason’s dad had come to me. Jason was a teenager at the time. In and out of rehab, fucking up all over the place, getting violent and his dad asked if I could help him out. Somehow Jason and I clicked. Somehow Jason, myself and a few other people ended up getting clean and cleaning up. There is a lot more to it than just meditating, but if that was one of the things that kept us on track.”
Mel motioned for me to take a seat on his bed, as he sat down in his wheelchair.
“That was 12 years ago.
In those 12 years, I learned how to live, stop stealing, stop robbing people, stop getting in fights…stop doing whatever it was I thought I had to do in order to live. “
Mel seemed to lose track for a moment.
“So what is it you do, you help guys get laid or something…how’s that work? Let me guess, that’s how you met Jason…”
I smiles and said, “yes.”
Mel said laughing
“That sick fuck, he’s always trying to get his dick into everything.”
I smiled again affirming Mel’s assumption
“You know it is one of those things, I am at the point in my life where I don’t need that. Somehow I got over it all. Just like everyone else I wanted to get laid, use women, lay some pipe, but after a while I realized that I didn’t really need that anymore to make me happy. You and Jason are young, so you might as well be putting all your equipment to use. “
“You sure you don’t want to stay the night. Where you going to sleep?”
“I’ll be fine, I like the road. I will probably sleep at some rest stop somewhere, I am used to it.”
“Well before you go let me give you some things…I got all these CDs of different speakers and philosopher types, you can listen to it while you drive.”
Mel asked me to help him up and to his cane.
“You know having a stroke the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean I was all crazy always having to do too much. Always pushing myself, it wasn’t till after the stroke slowed me down that I could actually learn to slow down and appreciate life.”
It was endless with Mel. The more you heard about him, the more you realized that he had every reason in the world to be pissed off and he was the furthest thing from being pissed off. His life for 40 years seemed like something that was impossibly different than his life that he had now. You couldn’t believe it was the same person.
Mel became manic pulling out CD after CD… “You heard of De Mello…ohhhh you gotta listen to DeMello. He was a Jesuit Priest and pissed everyone off cause he started merging and studying all these different religions, tying everything together. He made religion spirituality. The guy is fucking great…here’s his CDs, and here are some DVDs of him too.“
He was basically handing me CD after CD of someone he couldn’t stop taling about.
“You got a portable Hard Drive… Great, let me give you all these mp3s of speakers.”
“You’re having trouble meditating…listen to this, it will help you out.”
“You heard of the Tibetan 5 Rites…oh man, if it weren’t for these I am sure I would have died from my stroke. I mean, I could run 12 miles, lift weights, but the Tibetan 5 Rites are what really helped me out…”
I had to interrupt.
“I don’t get it, if you were in such good shape how the hell did you have a stroke?”
Mel said, “Jason didn’t tell you? “
“No” I answered
“Well a few years ago, I had a minor surgery for acid reflux. They had to put me down for part of it. No big deal right?
Well the anesthesiologist messed up and I ended up turning blue, and I am lucky they revived me. But when I woke up I went from a guy who was agile, fit and in shape to someone who uses a cane or a wheel chair. As soon as I stopped trying to sue everyone I accepted it all and not it is one of the best things that ever happened to me.”
When you meet people like Mel it makes you want to take a baseball bate and hit them across the head just to see if they will get angry. I told this to Jason a few weeks later, he said, “I would not even try that shit with Mel, he probably still be able to mess you up. He knows some weird secret shit.”
Mel kept telling me more and more about the different speakers and lectures he was giving me.
I told him, I was going to call him ‘The Wheelchair Yoda”
He laughed and said… “Someone else called me Yoda to day”
The funny part of it all was Mel was this guy that to me seemed to be on this deity level of happiness, but he kept saying things like….
”I am just as crazy as you. Same shit bugs me, same insecurities, same fears there’s no real difference, once you get that, you’ll realize I’m not so special.”
Before I hit that road that night I asked him,
“What is one word of wisdom you could leave me with?”
I was hoping for him to explode into one of his philosophical frenzies…and he did, but he started out slowly.
“Hmmm, that’s a good question. I will tell you what has been on my mind. There is this guy Chuck I used to know. Look him up on those mp3s I gave you, Chuck or Charles…and Chuck has a ton of quotes. But one of the quotes that’s been on my mind all day is, ‘what you’re looking for is what you’re looking with’.
I mean 12, 13 years ago I was selfish. I wanted everything, I looked for the solution in myself. If I wanted love, I was looking with the pain I had for love, it was like to me was just a lack of loneliness, and there is a big difference between those 2 things. If I wanted to be calm I tried to control everything and make things work my way rather tan accept what was in front of me. I wanted my life to be one way, but when you change life it isn’t so easy. Life is bigger then you. The world keeps going and you turn more and more into a dysfunction.
All sorts of crazy stuff happened and I had to change. Everything fell apart and I learned a different way to live. I got to learn what happiness is.
And after all that I realized that I am still selfish. Just now, I am not dishonest about it. I don’t have the same fears that filter that selfishness. When I am looking for something, I gotta look at what’s inside me first to see what it is I am really looking with. Like you and Jason are all wanting to get laid. That is a beautiful thing. But sooner or later you’re going to realize that whatever is inside you driving that is going to show itself, cause what you’re looking for is what you’re looking with…you’re going to have to be more selfish with it. Right now you’re just being selfish with what you think is really driving you.”
I remember leaving Mel’s house late that night. It was early November. I drove out of Mobile into Louisiana setting up camp in my truck. I love sleeping on the road. I knew I needed to fit Mobile into my routes and make pit stops at “The Wheelchair Yoda’s” house.
As time went on I certainly did. In fact I stopped by there many times since. John still lives at the house with Mel and is more Alpha than ever.
That night I drove cutting up through central Louisiana to Shreveport, hitting I20 into DFW.
I listened to about 2% of the mp3s Mel had given me in the 10 hours of driving.
One of the reasons why I consider Sexuality to be such an important part of my life and what I teach is because it is something that has beaten me and floored me. It has floored me just as bad as any of the other bottoms I had hit.
Because of this I view Sex and Sexuality as a form of Spirituality.
In the Industries of Pick Up and Seduction you’re sold sex and getting attention over and over again. Fortunately most of what is being sold doesn’t works. This just results in people being frustrated and pissed off.
The reason why I say ‘fortunately’ is because, if it did actually give you the ability to get laid all the time and live the lifestyle that it promotes then it is only a matter of time before the confusion, pain and turmoil makes its way to you.
However there is a the Sexual Life that has nothing to do with all that stuff. I am grateful for the PUA Industry, it taught me a lot. It gave me some skills, but more importantly it allowed me to make a good living off of being a teacher in it. I love it.
I love working with others.
Pretty good for a guy that dropped out of High school because he had OD’d and went to rehab.
However the is an evolution to things that needs to take place.
At that point in my life when I stopped at Mel’s house in Mobile I was ready to change. What he said about ‘What you’re looking for is what you’re looking with’ has many meanings.
But what he said about what I was looking for with women turned out to be a huge breakthrough for me. It seemed like after that things were different.
I knew how to get laid…I mean there is always more that you can learn, and believe me I am always interested in hearing new perspectives from guys.
I needed to learn how I could be a better man, and how I could meet the women I wanted to meet.
I needed to learn to appreciate women, and myself.
I still like sex, I still like women, but it isn’t about attention anymore.
It isn’t about tricks, it isn’t about defining myself by what I think should be making me happy.
It is about being proud of myself, and expressing that.
That is the difference.
The Pick Up Industry teaches you how to not be you. It rarely works. Your end goal is to be what it is.
A Seducer is someone who asserts himself, express what he likes and attract it to him.